I found out my husband hid a two‑year friendship with a neighbor, meeting her only when I was away, and he swears there was no affair and it wasn’t cheating—but I feel betrayed and devastated.

Posted by you/consistent fan 3305.

My husband did something, and I am having a really hard time getting past it. We married two and a half years ago. The first month I was here, there was a neighborhood party. My husband’s job transferred him to our current state while we were engaged, so he’d been here about a year and a half before I was.

A neighbor woman, Julie, was there, and she struck me as a bit odd. She never talked to me—only to my husband. I wanted to go home after a few hours and drinks, but he said there was a bonfire at their house and he wanted to go. So I went home, and he took my stepdaughter over to this neighbor lady and her husband’s place. They came home pretty late, about one in the morning. I was miffed because it was my birthday the next day, a Friday, and he forgot. He was tired and we didn’t do anything to celebrate.

Over the next couple of weeks, Julie called and texted him a lot—so much it made me uncomfortable. I told him to politely set some boundaries. He never mentioned her again, and the texts and calls stopped. I completely forgot Julie existed.

Fast‑forward two years. My husband was mad at me, so he left for a business trip and would only say he left my stepdaughter with “trusted people.” Normally she stays home with me. He wouldn’t tell me where she was. Yes, I know this is manipulative and a douche move on his part. She was gone for over a week, and I was seriously sick with worry.

Then another neighbor told me she was at Julie’s house. This neighbor gave me Julie’s phone number, and I texted her and asked if my stepdaughter was there, but she never replied. My husband also never came home the night his flight came in. He said it was delayed and that he slept in his office, but he lied about the arrival time by five hours. I watched, and when I saw his car at Julie’s house, I walked up there.

All I said was, “Is this where my stepdaughter was the whole time?” That lady wouldn’t look me in the eyes. She just looked down and hurried into the house. She was married, and at this time pregnant, too.

I was flabbergasted that my husband would leave a ten‑year‑old overnight with people he drank with at a bonfire once, two years ago, just because he wanted to upset me.

I then found out that Julie and my husband have had some sort of friendship that has lasted at least since that party a couple of years ago. Part of me suspects they hung out before I ever moved here. I have to travel frequently to the state I moved from to see my kids. I found out that they—my husband and stepdaughters—hang out with Julie while I am gone, but no one ever mentioned it to me or invited me along to anything. I think it’s weird that the kids never even mentioned it.

I told my husband how hurt I was. I texted that woman and said, “I don’t know what your relationship was with my husband, but we are married and I am asking you to respect that and leave us alone.” She never replied.

Christmas was coming up, and my husband and I were traveling to my home state. At the last minute, he couldn’t go. He promised me that he would not see or talk to her again. I was sad we couldn’t be together for Christmas, but I had a good time. My husband didn’t get me a gift—but he is not a gift‑giver, and we are both really busy.

I got home, and things were better between us. I thought we were both really trying. Then, while cleaning, I found a small piece of Christmas wrapping paper. It was from Julie’s young son to my husband. I was upset, but my husband said she just left them on the porch, and he seemed upset she did that after I asked him to stay away. But that was a lie, too.

A month or so later, I saw a photo on his phone: my husband and my stepdaughter smiling around her dinner table with her friends and husband—on Christmas Eve. Apparently, my husband and stepdaughter even went shopping and got her gifts for Christmas. I spent Christmas Eve alone traveling across the country, and he never even got me a card.

He says it isn’t cheating. There was no sex involved, and she is married. But then why keep the friendship a secret for two years? Why not invite me along to things? Why always wait until I am not around to get together? Something broke in me when I saw that photo. Both my husband and Julie knew how upset I was. It’s like they thought it was funny, waited for me to get on that plane, then got together and had a good laugh about me. I just can’t understand how he could do that to me—his wife—on Christmas.

Was this cheating? Is there anything I can do to move past it? She lives three houses down, and I swear I have PTSD from it now.

Top/relevant comments.

Commenter: “I think this is cheating, but sometimes people get hung up on the technical points—whether they were physical, whether they are dating, etc. The central point is that he is cutting you out of a whole part of his life. He sent his stepdaughter to stay with her. For God’s sake, that’s horribly cruel. It’s unacceptable in a relationship—almost saying he trusts her more than you. Do not move past this. He is humiliating and sidelining you from your own life. Unless moving past this means hiring a divorce lawyer, because honestly, he’s already lied to you and treated you with contempt. You don’t ever fix that.”

OP’s response: “Thank you. Honestly, this would be easier if I knew there was sex involved. I’m not a jealous person. I don’t care if he has female friends, so I have no idea why all the deception. The one time I met her at that party, I just thought she was a little too clingy to my husband, is all. She never, that I am aware of, asked us both to hang out as a couple, and that is what I found odd. I am thinking this is what people call an emotional affair. And my stepdaughter must be so confused. She has not seen her birth mother since she was a toddler. She was there when I married her dad at seven years old. I came home from a trip to see my kids once and I found a bag of $400 worth of brand‑new girls’ clothes—tags still on—from the Gap in her room. My stepdaughter has more clothes than she can wear, bought by me. My husband told me his elderly secretary took our daughter shopping, but honestly now I think it was Julie. What in the world? So odd. I cannot even make sense of any of it.”

Commenter two: “Yes, at least emotional cheating. I would also go over to Julie’s husband and sit him down to have a talk with him. Tell him the whole story—that they were constantly texting each other, that they hid their relationship for two years, that they also continued to do it after you asked both of them to stop. That your husband said they never got physical or had sex, but you find this whole situation weird. So he can make his own judgment, but you wanted to inform him because he deserves to know. Someone insisting on talking to some random stranger they just met and hiding it—that’s not normal. But yeah, tell her husband. Not because of revenge or anything, but because honestly he deserves to know. Also, I honestly think they’re in a physical affair at the moment. Two years of emotional affair is a little weird, especially for adults. Some progress must have happened.”

OP’s response: “Thank you so much for replying. I feel really awkward confronting either her or her husband. Part of me wants to, but part of me feels crazy for doing it. I have never met her husband, and I only saw Julie once at a party and we never spoke. When my daughter was missing, she never answered the phone or replied to my text. Sometimes if I get upset or cry, my husband will say, ‘We didn’t do anything. Go ask her yourself.’ And it infuriates me because I don’t know this woman at all, and I will never like her now. Plus, I feel like he is somehow trying to put it back on me—I mean, the responsibility of making the situation better. It isn’t my fault. I still cry over this.”

Update (Three Weeks Later).

“Is this level of anger—not sure what to call it—normal? Or is this a personality disorder? My husband is a combat vet with PTSD. My husband can sometimes do things that are very cruel. Lately, he has used food against me. For example, he left today and took my stepdaughters out for breakfast because he was mad at me. I asked him if he could bring me something to eat, and he said no. He added that he wouldn’t give me any money this summer. We have no food in the house—not even bread—and he knows this.

“I do have water now. It is seven p.m. I have had no food since dinner yesterday. No gas. He took my car last night and ran it to empty while I was asleep. No money and no access to money. I’m a teacher and won’t receive a paycheck until September. I also live far away from any friends or family.

“A couple of days ago, he was mad at me and took my stepdaughters and someone else out to dinner, knowing I had no food all day. He has been using food a lot to get back at me. My husband makes $200,000 but is very controlling with money. I pay all my own bills and provide insurance for all of us except during the summer when he has promised to cover my expenses. Last summer was the same—he got mad at me and refused to help.

“I am five feet tall and 105 pounds as it is. I just really noticed that he’s using food as a weapon. He will order food for himself and the girls, but none for me—or he’ll order something I can’t stand. Does this sound like a narcissist? Please don’t just tell me to leave. If I can’t get a sandwich, there’s no way I can do anything like move until I get a few paychecks saved. Food just seems weird. He is fixated on it in regard to me and keeping me from eating.”

Top/relevant comments.

Commenter: “It’s abuse. Leaving you home to starve, intentionally withholding food from you is a form of abuse. I would really encourage you to call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline and talk to someone who is knowledgeable in situations like these. And if you aren’t sure if it’s abuse or are feeling very confused and conflicted, they can help you get to the bottom of it. Please tell a close friend or family member what’s happening. I know there’s no point in saying this because you’ll only take action when you’re ready, but you really need to leave before things escalate—because they always do.”

OP’s response: “Thank you. I moved 1,200 m when I married him. My parents are deceased. I don’t really have any family or support system. Especially with COVID, it has just been work and home, work and home. He has a lot of issues I’m really struggling to understand. We didn’t live together before we married, and I honestly didn’t realize a lot of things.”

Commenter two: “Why can’t you order food? You’re allowing him to do this to you. Get away from him. He seems to have brainwashed you. He knows you’ll allow him to do this. OMG, I feel so bad for you. He is loving the power you give him. Girl, you need support. You need your own money. You probably need to leave him because you should never—never—go hungry, especially when he makes 200K and you are working.”

OP’s response: “He asked me to pay for our family vacation, then didn’t end up going with us. I agreed on the condition that he helped cover my bills this summer. I spent $4,000 on it in July. I just wanted our kids to have a good time, and I was excited about spending quality time as a couple, too. So I am out of money until my first payday back. I have no money in my account, and he closed our joint account. I don’t know where he deposits his money now. But I feel like you should be able to trust a spouse when a financial agreement is made. I wouldn’t have spent that money had I known. He makes enough that it would be easy to cover my bills. I was more asking because sometimes he does this stuff subtly, and I am left wondering: did he realize I didn’t have lunch and breakfast? Was this on purpose?”

Second Update (Three Days Later).

“I am starting to think I am going crazy. I recently discovered that my marriage is way more unhealthy than I thought. Now this: I googled my husband’s ex‑wife’s name. She moved to our state shortly after we married. There have been some boundary issues with them, which I have expressed concern about to both of them in the past.

“Anyway, I googled her name and found out on LinkedIn that she is working for him now. As in, the same office—she now works for his company. I don’t know for how long. I’m just floored that neither one thought they should at least discuss it with me ahead of time—at least talk to me about it. Am I overreacting? I just thought that spouses were always consulted about stuff like that. Should I consider divorce at this point?”

Top/relevant comments.

Commenter: “Yes, he absolutely should have told you. It’s wild that he didn’t, and I would be very suspicious. Lying by omission is still lying. I work for an ex, but it isn’t a secret, as I have worked for him for years. And his girlfriend certainly knows.”

OP’s response: “Right? I only googled her name because he made a weird comment—‘This is going to make work awkward’—in a convo about her, and that’s how I found out.”

Commenter two: “What was it that was going to make work awkward?”

OP’s response: “Oh, he had disappeared with the kids and was gone for almost twelve hours, and I couldn’t reach him. He left to take the girls to breakfast at ten a.m. I was worried. So, at nine p.m., I reached out to his ex‑wife to see if she knew where they were. That made him mad. So the text was about me contacting her, and ended with, ‘This is going to make work awkward.’ That was a few days ago. Just now, I was like, ‘Hey, what does that have to do with work? They are in the same industry.’ And that’s when I got the idea that maybe they were working together.”

Commenter three: “Why would the ex‑wife who moved to your state after you were married—why be the first person you reach out to when your husband goes MIA with—I assume—the children the two of you have together?”

OP’s response: “We don’t have children together. They do. I am the stepmom.”

Third Update (One Month, Two Weeks Later).

“Something happened last night. Can you tell me if it sounds like a drug overdose? I was in bed sleeping, and my dog woke me up. I heard a noise downstairs. It sounded like my husband obnoxiously blowing his nose or grunting/snoring. It got louder, and it didn’t stop.

“He ran to Walgreens at eight p.m.—left, but didn’t tell me. I hate it when he does that, and I suspect he buys drugs, but never have proof when he ‘runs errands’ like that. Anyway, I heard this loud grunting noise and came downstairs. I found him sitting on a bar‑stool‑height chair at the kitchen table, but he was bent backwards—arms and head dangling off the chair, almost touching the floor. His eyes and mouth were open, but I couldn’t get him to wake up.

“I tried to sit him up. He was too heavy, so I tried to lower him to the floor, but I basically dropped him. He still didn’t wake up, though his eyes were open and he was foaming out the side of his mouth. He looked blue/gray. I called 911, and they had me start CPR.

“Medics arrived and took over CPR. They thought he was having a heart attack. Suddenly, he became responsive again. There were six or seven people in my kitchen, so I couldn’t see what they were doing, but they hooked him up to a machine and said it wasn’t a heart attack right then, but they wanted him to go to the hospital. He then started acting drunker than I ever saw him, which was weird. He did not appear wasted earlier, but to be honest, I was ready for bed and didn’t pay much attention to him when he got back from Walgreens.

“He refused any treatment. They said they couldn’t make him go, but one officer said he didn’t think he was drunk because you can usually wake someone, even if very, very drunk. He said most people would want to go to the hospital if they woke up to someone doing CPR on them. His eyes were open the whole time. They were fixed, but not dilated. The pupils were very, very small.

“I saw my parents die in front of me, and my husband looked dead last night. After everyone left, he vomited all night and then again this morning.

“My husband is a combat veteran. I know he has had a cocaine problem in the past, and he used to drink a lot. I suspect he still uses, but hides it from me. Drugs have never been my thing, so I don’t know what an overdose looks like. I have seen heart attacks, and it reminded me of that. He is now trying to say it was a spider bite. He has a big nickel‑sized mark on his hand near the base of his thumb, but it looks like a burn to me. I don’t understand why he won’t go to the doctor or hospital if it was a stroke or heart attack.”

Top/relevant comments.

Commenter: “Pinpoint pupils are a giveaway that it was opiates. He should be very grateful that you potentially saved his life, and it should be a wake‑up call for him to see an addiction doctor or go to rehab.”

OP’s response: “What’s weird is he has always said he doesn’t like opiates. His drug of choice is cocaine, and I can always tell when he’s on it—even if I can’t actually find evidence. This really surprises me. I thought he was dead. I keep reliving it like a movie.”

Fourth Update (Two Months, Three Weeks Later).

“I’m having a really hard time with the holidays. I have always loved them. But this time last year, I began to discover my husband’s affair. It just all seems so pointless now. I would give anything for someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me I didn’t deserve any of this. Someone to make me laugh, watch holiday movies with, and be merry.

“My husband, I think, is trying in his own way, but he honestly seems pretty oblivious to how deeply he has hurt me. We don’t sleep in the same room anymore. I used to try harder when things were tough, but now I just get anxiety around him, and my coping strategy is staying in my room or going to sleep if it is bad enough. I’m also very angry about some of the things he has done.

“I hate feeling like this almost daily. He seems to think I should just forget it all happened. Do any other betrayed spouses feel this way? It is becoming such an overwhelming feeling I can barely function. Long holiday weekends are hard. I actually do better when I have the distraction of work. I thought about getting on anxiety meds, and that makes me angry, too, because I never had anxiety before I married him. I just want to feel normal again—to not hate him and myself every single day. I wish I could feel joy for the holidays again.”

Fifth Update (Two Months, One Week Later).

“My husband has now been missing for over a month. I moved to a state with a very high cost of living in 2020 to marry him. I make a lot less than he does in education. He is an engineer who makes $200,000.

“He has a really bad drug problem that I didn’t know about before I married him. I found out he stopped paying the utilities months ago. Our gas has been shut off for over a month, so there is no heat downstairs and no water to bathe in. They are in his name, and until they are paid, I cannot do anything. He also removed me from our car insurance and hasn’t paid that either. It is US30 windchill here and twenty‑nine degrees in our house currently.

“He also abandoned his 150‑pound dog with me. He called me Monday because he needed money and ran out of gas while taking my stepdaughter to school. Please don’t judge. I did go to the police just before Christmas about her welfare and was told I have no rights.

“I brought a gas can to him, gave him fifty dollars, and took my stepdaughter to school. I asked where she had been staying, and she said she was sleeping on a couch in his office. This may be partially true. He has had a couple of affairs while married to me and has hidden her at this one woman’s house at times.

“I have a couple thousand saved up, so I am not sure if I should move out or get an attorney. We do not have children together. Can I represent myself? Also, can I keep his dog or find him a home? I found a place to rent, but they won’t take both dogs.

“Please feel free to read my post history. I was really hoping my husband would get into drug treatment and counseling, but I don’t think that is going to happen. Our electricity will be shut off February ninth, and I need to figure something out. I don’t have any family or friends here—only co‑workers. I live in Connecticut, United States.”

Top/relevant comments.

Commenter: “You have no gas, no heat, and will soon have no electricity. You need to move out. Work on seeing to yourself and having a safe place to live first, then worry about the legal stuff later.”

OP’s response: “Thank you for replying. From a legal standpoint, can I get in trouble for rehoming his dog if it comes down to that? I actually love his dog. He is big, gentle, and elderly. I would love to just keep him, but I cannot find a rental that will let me, and I am running out of time. I really don’t want to have to give him away. I just don’t know what to do.”

Commenter: “Depending on what state you’re in, the dog may be marital property, and you wouldn’t need his permission to do the right thing and find it a good home. But when you ask him what he wants you to do with his dog in the face of the impending and actual utility shutoff, what has he said? Edit: Sorry, I missed when you said you’re in Connecticut. Connecticut treats all of your property as marital property. You can find the dog a new home, and he can’t do anything about it. Even if he could, you have a good defense from necessity because of the utility shutoff. I would suggest trying to find a rescue to take his dog.”

OP’s response: “He says he wants him—says he is coming to get him—but he has also said he would pay the utilities and even just yesterday said he would bring space heaters so the pipes don’t freeze. The temperature dropped to a windchill of minus thirty yesterday. Then he doesn’t follow through or gets angry and blocks me when I ask.

“For the last six weeks, I have heated cups of water in my Keurig and used a bucket to bathe. The only time I have actually seen my husband was when he called me because he ran out of gas. He was nice for about a day, then went back to being mean. He created an Instagram, bought a puppy, and is going to hockey games. He posted pictures while I have just been going to work and trying to keep the pets alive. I do pay all my own bills and provide our family health insurance. I just cannot afford this house on my income alone. And since the utilities are in his name, I had no idea he had stopped paying them until the gas was shut off.”

Sixth Update (One Year Later).

“Was my husband really in the military? In May 2020, I married my husband. He changed that day like a light switch, and now I am wondering if he was ever in the military at all. I had five uncles in different branches, and I just don’t see his story adding up. In addition, he lied about some other pretty major stuff. I had no idea I was his fourth wife. He lied about having cancer. He lied about his car being repo’d. You get the picture.

“When we were dating, he told me he had retired from the USMC as a gunnery sergeant. That he had six deployments—four to Iraq, two to Afghanistan. That at 17.5 years in, he had his neck broken in an explosion. Shot on two occasions—once in the foot, once in the wrist. He showed me a scar. Finished out his time in the reserves. Has to wait to get his retirement till a certain age. Would have gone in around 1992 or 1993. I have only ever seen one photo of him in uniform—dress blues after he was out, for a wedding. Never any photos of his time in. I know it was before cell phones, but still—twenty years, you’d think there would be something—and it’s hard to describe, but he doesn’t have the mannerisms. The way he carries himself is not military. His posture and such.

“How do I find out if he really does have military service and PTSD, or if he is just a sociopath? I had him awarded a Quilt of Valor. He has never gone to the VA since I have known him.”

Top/relevant comments.

OP responding to a deleted commenter: “Thank you. I moved 1,200 m when I married him, and so I have no family here. I am afraid of him. He actually abandoned me about a year ago, and I rebuilt my life, but he found out where I lived and has been messing with me. Everyone seems to sympathize with him because he is a veteran, which seems to excuse his temper and drug use. He is currently in another state, but I worry about what will happen when he comes back. I haven’t been able to divorce him yet because I cannot afford to. It’s a mess. I did think if this is true, he might try to kill me to keep it a secret. And so I would not tell him I know unless I was sure I was far enough away to be safe.”

Seventh Update (Two Months Later).

“When does my healing journey begin? From the perspective of an addict’s spouse: my husband was so very abusive in our marriage—financially, physically, emotionally, infidelity. His drug addiction fueled all of this. I have even done CPR on him when he died on our kitchen floor.

“He abandoned me and his old dog over a year ago. He returned after months, saying he had cancer. He didn’t. He showed up at my new place and assaulted me twice this fall. Claimed tenancy, stole from me, brought drugs into my home. He finally left only when he checked himself into an out‑of‑state rehab. He dumped two dogs here, one of which is so aggressive I could not work and care for it. He knew this, and was supposed to arrange care, and did not. I have kept him and my stepdaughter on my insurance just because I am a good person and I cannot afford to file for divorce yet. He devastated my finances and stole everything I had.

“So, he checks himself into a luxury rehab in Boca Raton. I now have a $73,000 bill because it is out of network. I never received a phone call or anything the whole time he was there. I was not involved in his care at all. I was not informed of what was happening. I almost lost my car and home. I moved 1,200 m when I married him and have no family or support system here.

“After a couple of weeks of him in rehab, I just gave up on communicating. Then this last Thursday, I got this text that was a vague apology for all the things he has said and done and left unsaid and undone. He said there would be more conversations in the future if I want, but for now, I have his deepest apologies—blah blah. My problem with this is that I was then instantly blocked from calling back or replying. To me, this seems so wrong. He can say what he needs to say to me to make himself feel better about the things he did to me, but I am not allowed to say what I need to say back to him.

“It just seems cruel and dismissive. I get that he needs to heal, but it shouldn’t be at my expense. I don’t think he should reach out at all unless he can handle the fact that he has deeply and profoundly hurt me, and that my needs matter, too. I feel like spouses are pressured to put all their emotions and needs aside for the addict’s healing journey. For me, at least, I am not at a place where I can do that. I am not okay.

“I wish I could go to Boca Raton and take a month off work and eat good food and go to therapy, get massages, and so on. My reality was that I almost lost my home and my car. I had no heat and little food this winter. I even took a weekend job—working almost eighty hours a week total—just to avoid becoming homeless. I haven’t seen my kids since September and didn’t get to see them for Christmas. Each day I wake up, and it is all I can do to just live one more day. Literally no one seems to care about me or how any of this affects me. When does my healing journey begin? I cannot even find him to serve him divorce papers.”

Top/relevant comments.

Commenter: “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Is he going to pay the $73,000? Can you remove him from your insurance? This all seems so disrespectful and damn cruel. I guess you can’t afford therapy for yourself at this point—or maybe there are places where you can get it for free. In any case, I think you would benefit from joining a Nar‑Anon meeting.”

OP’s response: “Thank you. And yes, I have been watching the bills roll in, and it really is up to that amount. In my state, spouses are responsible for each other’s medical bills—even in cases where a divorce decree states otherwise. I know what will happen. He simply won’t pay, and that burden will fall on me as well. I feel like I am living a nightmare I can’t get out of. Oh, and no—it is illegal to remove him until open enrollment in May.”

Additional info from OP: “Thank you. I actually wish I had posted a screenshot of what the bill was up to. It is unbelievable. I’ve cried for two days since getting that text from him. I just don’t understand why or how he could do that. I’d rather have no contact at all if I can’t have feelings. I’m trying to be strong, but he has this whole community cheering him on and helping him, and I am all alone and starving and can’t seem to get any help. I don’t qualify for legal aid, food pantries—nothing. I cannot even seem to separate myself from him—divorce—so I don’t know why, but the generic ‘sorry’ and not allowing me to reply just reinforced my feelings that in all this, I don’t seem to matter.”

Eighth Update (Four Months, One Week Later).

“Hello, I’m looking for my husband. His drug of choice is crack cocaine, although he has dabbled in opiates and heroin. Last I heard, he was living on the beach in Venice, Florida. He has some distinctive tattoos, including a gas mask on his forearm and a large compass on his lower back. If anyone has seen him, please let me know. He goes by the name ‘Cole,’ although his real name is John Cole. I’m just trying to find him to bring him home and get him some help. I thought maybe with luck, someone here has seen him.”

Ninth Update (Four Months Later).

“I was wondering if someone could tell me what to do. My husband works in a specialized field and makes a ton of money. I work in education as a teacher and make quite a bit less, but I do provide health insurance for him and my stepchildren.

“To make a very long story short, he has been abusive in just about every way. We married five years ago. He has a huge crack cocaine addiction. About a year and a half ago, he went on a bender, which resulted in me taking in my stepdaughter, who had been sleeping in a car. He forced his way into my house and assaulted me in front of my stepdaughter. He checked himself into a luxury rehab in Boca Raton where he began an adulterous relationship with another patient.

“He got out and relapsed within ten days, overdosing in front of his children in a hotel room. DCF took custody of my stepdaughter, and he disappeared again. That was about seven months ago. He abandoned his two dogs here, and I rehomed one and kept the other. DCF has his whereabouts listed as unknown. I found him through a mugshot—arrested for grand theft auto for not returning a luxury automobile. It’s not that he cannot afford one. He just thinks rules do not apply to him.

“He has been living in a $6,000‑a‑month house on the beach in the Florida Keys with a woman from rehab—listed on court papers as his girlfriend. During this time, my stepdaughter has been in the hospital because she had a mental breakdown. My insurance is good and has covered everything. He even restarted his company in Florida and listed the woman he is living with as co‑owner.

“Yet he refuses to divorce me, and I cannot afford an attorney. I do not qualify for legal aid since I make too much as a teacher. But when I married him, I moved 1,200 m to a very high cost‑of‑living state. Even the filing fee is a lot for me to come up with right now.

“I’m starting to get depressed and feel like this game he is playing will never end. He plays games—like in June when he begged me for money to come home but never arrived. I did send $700, which I know was stupid—only to find out he is living in luxury there. I think he just thought it was funny to take the little money I had.

“I do have a lot of proof of his behavior as well as documents from court papers regarding the abandonment of my stepdaughter. Again, she is in foster care due to the complexity of her needs, but I still provide her health insurance as a kindness to her. I don’t know how to navigate any of this. This summer, I looked for him for months thinking he was dead from the hurricanes and even contacted police and the Red Cross. When I do find him, he just threatens me. His favorite thing to do is threaten to get me fired.

“If I try to file the papers myself this next week, should I do fault or no‑fault? How do I serve him from CT to Florida? Am I making a big mistake since he can weigh on me in the lawyer department? I am so tired of being abused by this man. I also found out he lied to me and I am his fourth wife. I think he is a sociopath. I have no doubt he’d kill me if he thinks he will get away with it. Thank you in advance.”

Tenth Update (Four Months Later).

“My husband disappeared for over a year, and I found out he had run off with a woman he met in rehab. He completely abandoned me, his dogs, and my stepdaughter. I was finally able to serve him. In the photo the process server took, he is wearing a wedding ring, so he may have actually married her while being married to me.

“My husband makes way more money than I do, but he was very financially abusive even while we were together. He started a business while we were married, but has closed accounts, moved it from state to state, and even named his rehab girlfriend as an owner. He used to travel for business a lot, and I would always watch his girls. I have also provided our family’s health insurance for the last three years, which covered $75,000 in hospital bills for my stepdaughter from this summer alone.

“I am representing myself, pro se, because I can’t afford an attorney. Any idea how I can prove income if he will not cooperate? Our return date is today, and he has not filed an appearance. What I do have is a 1099 mailed to the house in the amount of $153,000, plus proof that he and his girlfriend were living in a $6,000‑a‑month house in the Florida Keys.

“I don’t have a way to get his tax returns or financial records. I would like to ask for a small settlement and a couple of years of alimony. I make about $69,000, and I am guessing he probably made $250,000 or more last year.”

Editor’s note: OP left a comment in a post in r/addiction four months later that said, “I actually think that’s pretty common. My ex‑husband was addicted to crack and was on Grindr. I think crack makes people hypersexual.” So, I think she ended up being able to divorce her husband and is now free of him, but I’m unsure about what she was able to get out of the divorce in terms of alimony and assets.