My ex divorced me after his mom convinced him I was having an affair and cheating on him. My daughter hated me as a result and moved out with him in the separation. Now, four years later, it has come out that his mom was lying and orchestrated the entire thing—and they want me back in their lives.

Posted by u/divorce_throwaway (throwaway since I don’t want to be linked back to my main account).

I’m 46F and my ex-husband is 45. We were college sweethearts and married at twenty-six. Right before we got married, I gave birth to a beautiful daughter who’s now twenty-one. I loved both of them dearly, and we were a happy family for about sixteen years before everything went down.

Our only problem was my ex’s mother. She always had a strong dislike for me. She never thought I was good enough for her baby boy. We had many fights, and my ex cut contact with her after the wedding when she tried wearing white to it. We had many encounters with her years after that—sending us gifts for my daughter and purposely trying to get us to contact her again, and even seeing her outside our house.

Four years ago, I got home from work to see my ex and his mom together on the couch. My ex was on the verge of tears, yelling and calling me a cheater. I tried to explain I didn’t cheat, but his mother supposedly had proof, saying she saw me with another man at a restaurant. I am very faithful and loyal, but he refused to hear me out. We got into a big argument before he packed up and left to stay with his mother.

When my daughter got home from a friend’s house, she too started to blame me when she found out from her dad. She went to live with her dad while he sent out divorce papers. It took about a year before it was finalized. He got custody of her, and I was granted visitation rights, but she never wanted to see me.

It took a long time to move on. I sought therapy and fell into a huge depression. I knew my ex’s mother made it up to tear us apart. I couldn’t believe he listened to her so carelessly. I don’t blame my daughter, but it still hurts. I moved out of the house to allow my ex and my daughter to live there. I ended up moving to a small apartment.

It’s been four years, and I started to finally be happy again. I made new friends. We had so much fun, and I got a promotion at work. I still miss my family—my daughter—but I couldn’t do anything about it.

Two days ago, my daughter called me. It’s been four years since I last saw or heard from her. She said that my ex’s mother admitted to lying. She said that my ex got a new girlfriend, and his mother was furious, claiming he shouldn’t have moved on after all the trouble she went through to get rid of me. They got into a heated fight before he kicked his mom out.

I nearly wanted to cry. I thought she would never admit it, and now I’m hearing from my daughter. She asked to meet up and apologized so many times. I told her we could meet tomorrow.

Yesterday I met her at a restaurant, but she brought along my ex—something she never mentioned, nor had I agreed to. He was apologizing, saying how much he missed me and that he dumped his girlfriend. He wanted us to be together again. I excused myself and left them there.

I got back home to lots of phone calls from my daughter and text messages from her. She wanted us to talk and she called me a jerk for leaving. I told her I was uncomfortable and that she needed to understand. I had to mute my phone and put it down for a bit. I haven’t responded yet and I’m not sure what to do. I love her, but I can’t talk to her with him there—not yet, anyway. It feels so fast. I wanted to do it one-on-one. I’m deeply hurt and crying as I’m typing this. I don’t know what to do.

Top / relevant comments. OP adds an edit to her post:

I did not expect this post to start blowing up. I appreciate the love and support. However, I didn’t make it clear about my daughter’s custody. Her opinion mattered in court since she was seventeen during the divorce. Although the divorce was about me allegedly cheating, my ex and I agreed to keep that apart from the actual divorcing process. We split what we needed to split and let our daughter choose who she wanted to be with. She wanted to live with her dad, and I agreed. She was strongly adamant about not seeing me, so I allowed my ex to have full custody, leaving me with visitations.

Not only that, I needed to find an apartment. I had to move out of the house. I was living from couch to couch in my relatives’ homes. I didn’t have space for her, and my ex mentioned it in court. It was the main reason she was granted to stay with her father. I was under stress and I was not mentally well. I signed off my rights. I looked like a mess in court, too. There was also a lot more going on during the time.

Commenter:

“First of all, take all the time you need. You don’t have to follow their timeline. It’s perfectly all right to write back, ‘Please give me some time and space to work through everything. I’ll contact you when I’m ready,’ and then mute them. You could also contact a therapist or a counselor to have an impartial person to talk to, or friends you know to be clear-headed. You don’t have to go through this alone, and you don’t have to react immediately.

“By the way, your daughter is stomping over your boundaries. She didn’t tell you that your ex would be there, thus setting you up for an ambush. You might have chosen not to meet her if you had known that your ex would be present. She withheld that information and took that choice away. You left—understandably—because you were overwhelmed, and she is calling you a jerk and bombarding you with texts. Sorry, that behavior is unacceptable regardless of her motivation. Both she and your ex seem to think that they can snap their fingers and just start where everyone left off, with you immediately forgetting the past and the hurt you’ve endured.

“You should be your first priority because they won’t make you their first priority. So please take care and make sure that you make use of your support network. Please feel hugged. I wish you all the best.”

OP’s response:

“I really appreciate seeing this. You’re right. She crossed boundaries and made some petty, stupid decisions. Emotions are running high, and it may take a bit for things to calm down. I’m preparing a text to send to my daughter about going no contact unless she apologizes and handles it like an adult. I’m willing to hear her side, but not her acting like a jerk or involving anyone besides herself. I also contacted my therapist and I’ll be seeing her on Wednesday. Until then, I probably won’t have an update unless something happens within the messages. I’m still really heartbroken and I’m scared about how she is going to react to my message. I have my friends and my parents who are on my side if anything happens. They don’t know where I live anyway, so I know I’m safe and I can take my time.”

OP adds a second edit to her post:

I’m crying again. I went to text my daughter about boundaries and building trust again, and she said there was someone else involved without my knowledge during the divorce. My ex’s mother got into another fight with him earlier today and admitted to paying an ex-friend—someone she was fond of—to lie directly in my husband’s face and say he was the one I cheated on him with. He did it for money.

My daughter basically gave me the silent treatment during the divorce, so she never told me. Neither did my ex’s mom, for obvious reasons. Now, why wouldn’t my ex mention it? Because he thought I would just deny it—which I would, since I didn’t do it. I bet he was so confident in himself, too.

I hate them both. Like mother, like son—apparently. I can’t believe I loved him. He didn’t even try to hear my side. I even tried giving him my phone to prove my text messages were innocent, and he went, “Nope. I got a verbal confession from said ex-friend, but I won’t tell you because communication does not exist.” I am beyond furious. Who does that—pay someone to purposely cause a strain in a healthy relationship? Absolutely ridiculous.

Update (Two Days Later)

Hi. Within the past two days, a lot of stuff came out, and I’m beat. First of all, thank you for the support and advice. There were so many, but I decided to follow the ones I thought fit best for me and my daughter.

In the last post, I mentioned in the comments about an update. Two days ago, I texted my daughter to set some boundaries after the ambush attack at the restaurant. As we were talking, she mentioned new information about my ex and why he chose his mother’s side over me. Earlier that morning, his mother confessed that she had paid an ex-friend of ours to lie directly in my ex-husband’s face, claiming to be my affair partner. Mind you, I never cheated in the first place. My ex took that as solid evidence and divorced me because of it.

His mother is a master manipulator and had him around her finger throughout his childhood, so I’m not surprised why he’d take her side. He didn’t know that the confession was fake until a few days ago. I wasn’t even aware of the entire thing for four years. No one had brought it up to me. My daughter gave me the silent treatment. My ex’s mother obviously wouldn’t tell me a thing and probably told my ex-husband to keep quiet and to only focus on the divorce. I’m still really saddened, but everything makes sense. I was so mad at him for leaving me over her word, but it was much more than that.

Besides that, I decided to give my daughter another chance. She will not know where I live or any personal information to indicate where I am. I’m keeping low contact with her. I don’t want her spreading it to her father or other people. I’ll only show up during important events—graduations, weddings, etc. I know my ex-husband will also attend. If that’s the case, then so be it.

I requested my daughter to put her father on the phone. He, of course, apologized so many times and hoped we could have another chance as well. He said he’d do anything to make it up and that he loves me. I said no. I explained that I was keeping him no contact and that I was heartbroken when he didn’t communicate to me about the cheating allegations and only assumed—that I was practically homeless for a short time and needed to see a therapist to help move on—that I wanted to be left alone and am currently not interested in another relationship. Then I gave him a new email in case of emergencies directly involving our daughter. Anything else I will discard.

That was the only time I spoke to him in the past two days. I’ve been talking to my daughter, setting boundaries and whatnot. She gave small updates about what was going on with her side. They went no contact with my ex’s mother, so that’s good. I told her never to contact that woman again. She also apologized about her behavior at the restaurant and that it won’t happen again. I understand that emotions were running high and everyone was tense. I forgave her. I still really love her. Mistakes can happen.

Now, a lot of you said to sue my ex’s mother. I spoke to my therapist about it earlier today. She said it wasn’t wise to do so. It’ll put more emotional distress on me, and I might have to see her again and may relapse into a depressive state. I really don’t want that. I don’t want anything to do with that woman again. All I want to do is focus on myself and on my daughter. I want to rebuild our relationship, and it will be ruined if I do something drastic like suing my ex’s mother. I won’t be pressing charges unless something else happens to the point where police are involved. That would be different.

Other than that, I’m taking a break. My daughter can text me anytime she wants, but I did say that I may not always reply since I want to remain low contact as of now. Thank you so much for the support and love. I can’t express how grateful I am. I’m sorry I haven’t replied to any of the comments. There were so many, and it was very overwhelming. This may be my last ever post on this account unless something happens in the near future. You guys are amazing. Thank you.

Top / relevant comments.

Commenter:

“I am very sorry for all that you have been through. You are handling this extremely well and setting boundaries to protect yourself. I just have to say I wonder how this ex-friend lives with himself knowing he played such a huge role in ending your marriage.”

OP’s response:

“He’s a drug addict. I’m 100% sure he took the opportunity to buy more drugs. It was the reason why we dropped him—since he would beg us for money along with other junkie friends he had. He wasn’t even that nice, either. He was kind of rude. I honestly hope he’s miserable.”

Second Update (Same Day) — Daughter’s Post

Posted by u/etherDuna.

My mom recently made two posts about our family under the title, “My ex divorced me, and now he wants to be together again after four years.” I’m their twenty-one-year-old daughter, and I’m going to explain my side of things. Yes, I have been given permission from my mom to post this. There were a lot of things she neglected to say on her part. This is how I interpreted what happened on my side since you all are quick to blame.

Five years ago, when I was sixteen, my dad called me. He said he was at his mom’s house and that I needed to pack my things so he could pick me up. He told me that my mom had cheated on him and now he was going to divorce her. So I did exactly as I was told.

I was really mad at Mom for doing such a thing. I thought they were inseparable. I was surprised. I thought they loved each other. And when Mom was accused of cheating, I resented her. I yelled at her. I called her really hurtful things that I regret saying. I left to stay with Dad. The entire time I refused to talk to Mom during the divorce. I really hated her. I truly did.

During that time, I was with Dad and my grandma. I met Grandma a couple of times and my mom openly hated her. I didn’t know why. She seemed sweet and supportive, helping my dad get through. She bought me presents and let me live under her roof. She was a stereotypical loving grandma.

Mom ended up moving out so we could have the place back. In court, I favored my dad’s side and it was approved. I refused to contact my mom. It was like she didn’t even try to fight to be with me. I was still really angry at her. Dad was crying on some days. He was really stressed and saddened. She cried too, but I thought it was the guilt of being caught and now having nowhere to go and being divorced as a consequence. There were a few times when I wanted to call her, shout at her, hate her. I didn’t.

For the next four years, it was me, Dad, and Grandma—who occasionally visited. She showered me with gifts, always expressing how she finally got to meet her grandbaby. She spoiled me. Dad was still sad for about three years before meeting another woman, and they started dating. That’s when everything turned upside down.

He and Grandma would start getting into fights about the new girlfriend. She would threaten to harm herself and call him a pathetic excuse of a son. She knocked stuff over and constantly broke things when she didn’t get what she wanted. She even threatened to hurt me sometimes and steal things away from me. Dad hardly ever brought his girlfriend over because of her. Grandma kept visiting almost daily. She was super obsessed over Dad and the new girl.

Now repeat that for five months straight until she snapped. Another fight. Then she confessed. I was in the other room when she screamed about how she did everything to get Mom away from him so she could have him all to herself—and now the new girlfriend was stealing him away. That’s when I decided to call Mom to tell her what happened. I was scared.

The next day, we agreed to meet at a restaurant. I told Dad about it afterward, and he insisted on coming with me. I wasn’t sure at first, but he convinced me to let him come. He was desperate and even broke up with his girlfriend over the phone, so I brought him with me. I didn’t tell Mom, and when she came and saw us, she was uncomfortable and left.

After Dad was practically begging on his knees, I ended up calling her a jerk. I was stressed and overwhelmed. I blurted out something I didn’t mean. I get why she left. There was no excuse for my behavior. I started spam-calling her and texting her constantly trying to get a response from her. Some messages weren’t nice. I was not thinking properly. Dad was bawling and started saying some depressing thoughts about how he hated himself and that he wished he was dead. I panicked. Like, what am I supposed to do?

The next morning, Grandma came to the house while Mom was sending me long paragraphs about wanting to have a relationship again but needing boundaries. The two were arguing downstairs until Grandma admitted to fabricating the affair confession. She paid someone $500 to tell Dad his wife was cheating on him. So, obviously, I texted Mom about it while Dad kicked Grandma out, screaming that he never wanted to see her again and that it was all her fault.

For the next day and a half or so, Mom and I communicated with each other. I apologized to her about my recent behavior. It was super uncalled for and I do really regret saying those things. At one point, I gave my phone to Dad so the two could talk privately with each other. Mom wants to keep low contact, which I agreed to. Dad was upset that she wouldn’t take him back. I learned Mom is seeing a therapist and went to see her earlier today.

I haven’t seen Grandma since Dad kicked her out. He has been saying she’s been trying to call and text him like every hour. Yes, I’m still living with Dad. I’m in community college. It’s only a half hour away, so I stay home.

I came across Mom’s Reddit post on TikTok like three times. There are some comments about me that I’m really upset about. Do you all not understand abuse victims? Like, Jesus Christ. I had to put up with my dad’s constant depressing behavior and my grandma’s gaslighting, love-bombing tactics. I’m happy to be in contact with my mom. I never contacted her before because my grandma said negative things about her. I thought Mom was the controlling one. She wasn’t at all. I regret my choices and I’m willing to fix them—and she is willing to give me a chance. You don’t know our family. Stop acting like you do.

Top / relevant comments.

Commenter:

“Here’s the thing. You knew your mother and decided that everything you knew about her was wrong. You didn’t ask her any questions, and you didn’t come back to ask any as an adult. You chose to abandon her. If your grandmother had said nothing, you would have continued to be estranged from her. So even if your grandmother made it easy to do, you ultimately chose what you did.

“At sixteen, at eighteen, at twenty—you always had the freedom to make choices. You have less responsibility for what you do at sixteen. But man, at any point, you could have realized that most people who cheat are not summarily abandoned by their kids. You could have started to ask, ‘Why is my family reacting so differently than other people do? Is this normal? Why are we reacting this way? Why doesn’t my family want me to maintain a healthy relationship with my mother? That is what most healthy families want.’

“You may be a victim of an abuser, but that does not absolve you from responsibility for what you chose to do or not do—especially as you mature. My suggestion is get therapy and start the long work of understanding why you were vulnerable to what your grandmother did. She is not the only manipulator you will meet in your life. You need to understand what makes you vulnerable to how she operates, so you don’t repeat this with Grandma or some other person with the same way of operating. You are responsible for your own actions—those taken and those not taken. Being abused only makes them understandable. It doesn’t lessen your responsibility.”

Commenter Two:

“I don’t see anything her mom didn’t write about. I still don’t understand how she is so cavalier about calling her mom a jerk and blowing up her mom’s phone with calls and texts. I don’t see any real contrition from the daughter or the father. They seem to feel very sorry for themselves for having been under the spell of the evil grandmother. They also seem to lack the maturity to take a step back before blowing up the mom’s life again with their demands. Everyone needs to take a giant step back before you destroy each other even more.”

Commenter Three:

“I honestly have no sympathy for you and your father. You allowed your grandma to break your family. You believed words worth $500 instead of asking for an explanation. At the time, your mom didn’t even know who the alleged affair partner was. That’s how badly you blindsided her. She was wrongly accused, abandoned by her family, and left to be homeless and fend for herself. Four freaking years. You were sixteen years old. You should have known better. At eighteen, you should have known better. You made horrible mistakes, but your mother paid for them.”

Third Update (Four Months Later)

I honestly don’t even know if this is still relevant. I was originally about to delete my account but kept it for a final update. After this, I will be gone.

It’s been a roller coaster. My daughter had posted her side of the events, which I did not realize how crappy the post really was until you guys pointed it out. We decided to speak about that more in family therapy, and she apologized for it. She logged out of the account and isn’t using it anymore.

I’m paying for our family therapy and individual therapy. I said that as long as she goes to school full-time, I will be financially supporting it. I think we have grown a lot in therapy. It’s only been a few months, and we’re able to express our feelings without the other judging.

About my ex-mother-in-law: a month prior, she got arrested for drug possession. I literally have no clue what happened on her end, but my daughter messaged me about it. From what I could gather, she got caught with drugs in her home, and she is still behind bars. No one bailed her out. I chuckled when I found out. It was a pleasant surprise.

About my ex-husband: I know he has been spiraling, and I think after his mother got arrested, he snapped. He started getting drunk and verbally aggressive toward my daughter. It’s been happening for roughly two months. So I requested that my daughter would live with me since I do not feel comfortable with his behavior. I was right, since his verbal aggression turned into physical abuse. He hit my daughter.

While he went to work, I came back to the house. It was emotional. Not many things were changed except no family photos and the furniture was rearranged. I helped my daughter pack all of her things along with important documents, and we fled. I turned my office area into her bedroom, and she’s been staying with me for a week now. I’ve been driving her to school, and this week is her last before she’s out for summer break.

It was awkward at first. I wanted to keep low contact with her, but I couldn’t let her be abused and have the police do very little about it. We made a report, but I don’t think much will be done about it. My daughter and I have been doing little things at my home—watching television together, driving her to school, and preparing meals for her. We’re going slow, but we’re bonding, and our relationship is growing.

She’s a lot quieter nowadays. She used to be so outgoing, but I know this is taking a toll on her. I’m glad she’s willing to be in therapy. I suspect she has depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.

Safe to say, it’s a happy ending. Thank you so much for this journey. I desperately needed the support which has been received. Also, please don’t send death threats to my daughter. I already saw many comments speaking poorly about her, but it came to the point where some are sending death threats. It’s so awful and ridiculous. That’s not supportive toward my end, and it’s gross behavior toward my daughter and in general. Shame on you.

Other than that, I appreciate the advice. I’ll be deleting my account in a few days or so. Thank you and goodbye.

Top / relevant comments.

Commenter:

“Have you heard from the ex after your daughter moved out?”

OP’s response:

“He tried texting her via phone message after he got home and realized she was no longer there. It was a spam of worry messages, apologies, threats, self-blaming, and then victim-blaming. It was a mess. I told her to block him, and he used other platforms to reach her. It went on throughout the day with continuous blocking. She had to make her social media accounts private to prevent spam. That’s all, though.”

Commenter Two:

“I remember when you posted originally. I was upset and angry on your behalf. I, like probably many of us, was wishing and hoping for things for you. I think I felt all the feels with your journey. I hope for the best for you and those you choose to have in your life. I do wish you’d keep this account open—not deleted—just so you can at some point post an update. I think I’ll remember yours for quite some time.”

OP’s response:

“I can definitely keep the account open and not delete it if people want that. I can’t guarantee that I’ll be posting much on here. The previous posts I have made already take a toll on me. If something does happen, I’ll make a completely separate post about it. I would rather not do an ‘Update 3’ since it’ll feel so lengthy and long. Thank you, though. I am glad you’ve been here since the beginning.”