Am I the jerk for jumping out of the way when my niece and nephew tried to push me into a pool, resulting in natural selection taking place?

Posted by u/scaredweakness6250

This all happened today. My folks decided to host a barbecue, because I guess that’s what older people do. I declined because I really don’t like my two sisters, their husbands, or their kids. My wife and I are child‑free. Mom then pressured my wife. Long story short: we went.

By the time we arrived there were about twenty people there. My sisters and their husbands were already solidly buzzed (drunk, really). My mom was spending 100% of her time trying to keep the nieces and nephews (ages seven to eleven) more or less under control. My dad had strategically retreated to the whirlpool section of the pool with a small cooler full of beers.

My wife and I made small talk with miscellaneous people, ate food, and had a frozen margarita. My sisters and brothers‑in‑law took turns criticising us for being late, not being in our swimsuits, and “screwing up the vibe.” Whatever. Typical suburban summer get‑together.

About forty‑five minutes in, two of the kids ran at one of the neighbor guests who was standing next to the pool and pushed her in. She was at the pool steps, stumbled in but didn’t fall, so only got half‑wet. She was clearly very unhappy about it, but she didn’t make a scene. She just went over to where the parents were, grabbed their towels, dried herself off, and left. My sisters and their brothers‑in‑law thought it was all great fun.

A bit later, I was standing a few feet away from the pool chatting with someone. I saw three of the kids running full‑tilt at me from the corner of my eye. Obviously I was next. Not that it’s terribly difficult to outwit young kids, but I just jumped out of their way at the last second. All three of them ran straight into the pool at full speed.

Most of the other guests—including my wife and me—started laughing. But their moms, who as I mentioned were pretty wasted, absolutely freaked out. Apparently two of the kids couldn’t swim (even though they were in swimsuits). Since I wasn’t in swim gear, I stepped back from the pool and let other people fish the kids out. The kids were bawling their heads off like they’d lost a limb.

At that point all hell broke loose. The four drunk parents were yelling at everyone in general and me in particular for “nearly letting their kids drown,” and also because two of the kids had been videoing the trick using their parents’ iPhones—which were now at the bottom of the pool. One of my brothers‑in‑law got into the pool to try to retrieve the phones, but his BMI and BAC made that impossible. No one else volunteered to help—unsurprisingly, given that my sisters were still complaining at everyone.

I told my sisters it was their job to watch their kids and that if anything had happened to them it would have been their responsibility, not mine. There were some pretty strong words on both sides. My wife and I left after the other brother‑in‑law fell over and face‑planted while yelling at us. Now they’re saying I should have let the “little craps” knock me into the pool and “have their fun” and ruin my phone.

So—was I wrong here?

Side note: Dad, of course, never got out of the whirlpool.

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Update (One Month Later)

First off: my folks tell me that my nieces and nephews are all good swimmers and that they use the pool all the time. The seven‑year‑old is still a beginner, but he loves the water. My sister just said they couldn’t swim so I’d look bad. To be fair, none of the kids are allowed in the deep end, which is where they fell in. It was the two ten‑year‑olds and the nine‑year‑old who tried to push me into the pool.

After we left the party ended on a pretty sour note. My drunk brother‑in‑law who face‑planted while yelling at me had to go to an urgent‑care place to get his face stitched up. He was too toasted to drive so Dad took him. Dad was very unhappy about this.

Late that evening my sister started a group text and said some really nasty crap. Their husbands threw in a few comments as well. My wife and I blocked the four of them. My mom called me; she was pretty upset about what they said. She and Dad were in the chat and I don’t blame her.

Because of the texts my folks insisted my sisters and brothers‑in‑law come over the next day (Sunday) without their kids to “get some things straight and lay down some ground rules” (Mom’s wording). The result was a contrite, if unenthusiastic, apology from the siblings via my mom’s phone. I’m glad my wife was with me when they called; her hard stares kept me from saying what I wanted to. I just told them thanks and that we felt no need to discuss it further.

Since I thought things were settled, I unblocked them. That evening I got a text from one of the brothers‑in‑law telling me the phones cost $1,200 and asking when I’d be paying for them. WTF. I replied “never,” took a screenshot of his text, and forwarded it to my folks with a note that we were done with this nonsense. We’re going no‑contact with my sisters and their spouses and would not attend any more holidays or get‑togethers if they’d be present. Then I blocked my sisters and their spouses again.

At that point crap really hit the fan. Dad called them and ripped them a new one. Among other things he told them the grandkids were not welcome at his place indefinitely (since my mom regularly provides free babysitting—that got them pretty rattled). He also banned them from using the vacation house and told them my wife and I actually own it, not he and Mom. This completely freaked them out. Both of my sisters’ families use the place a lot, including having their friends up for weekend getaways. This was very much out of character for my folks—they clearly had it.

And for reference, I never wanted my sisters to know we own the place. We bought it for my folks—they’d always wanted a place in the mountains. Keeping the ownership quiet was just a way to avoid drama with my siblings.

A couple of days later my sisters and their husbands came to our place unannounced to apologize in person. We were out to dinner and they left a note. One sister also called me at work, but I sent her to voicemail. We’ve decided being no contact is the best thing for the indefinite future and haven’t interacted with them for the last three‑plus weeks. Personally, I’m done. They can go pound sand.

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Second Update (Nine Days Later)

Well, it’s been an interesting few days. I thought crap had hit the fan before, but that was more of a fart compared to what’s happened this week.

For this to make sense I need to provide some financial context. My folks have never been any good at saving money. I’ve been doing their taxes for years, so I know pretty much everything about their finances. Their house is paid for and they have minimal debt, but they didn’t save much for retirement. Both of them get Social Security. My dad gets a solid pension. And they have a bit of savings. But there’s no treasure chest in the basement. I bought their current car for them after they retired as a retirement present so they could have something nice to drive. It was the first car in probably twenty years they didn’t lease.

My sisters are convinced our parents are dripping with money and that they’ll be leaving everything to the two of them since I don’t need more money. So they’ve never cared about saving either.

Turns out my oldest sister and her husband (they have three kids) have been living beyond their means for some time and are in financial straits. They’ve maxed out their credit cards and are behind on their car leases—to the point that one is about to get repossessed. He bragged in the past about making X amount per year, but it turns out to be about half that.

She confessed all this to Mom on Tuesday because they need a loan and because—and this was a WTF moment for Mom and Dad—for the last three years, instead of “staying at the vacation house” regularly, she’s actually been renting it out once a month or so and pocketing the cash. We’re talking $2,000+ for a weekend and at least $4,000 for a week. With her being cut off from using the place she’s had to cancel one group already. She’s now worried they’ll lose everything. My folks aren’t in any position to give them a loan.

My other sister was aware of her renting out the place, but of course never said anything. I suspect she’s done the same thing as well, because I went up there once to drop off an ATV I’d worked on and there was a family there who claimed to be “staying there with my sister’s family” and that they’d gone to town for something. At the time I let it go; I figured she’d loaned out the house to some friends. But I’ve always wondered.

I found all this out through my folks, who are pretty stressed about it. Mom more than Dad. He’s mainly just pissed off about it all. I know Dad feels betrayed and I imagine he’s embarrassed that he’s in no position to help his daughter out. He did reiterate that as long as it’s up to him the girls won’t be using the vacation home anytime soon.

My folks let me know what’s going on because they figured my sisters would put a full‑court press on me next. And they were right. On Thursday my sisters came to our place again without their husbands this time and waited outside the door until I got home. I had to choose between fighting with them in public (letting them make a scene if I went in without them) or letting them in. So I let them in.

I got a BS story from my older sister, with the younger one backing her up, regarding why I needed to let them use the mountain place again immediately. They also said I’ve been a crappy brother and that I needed to step up and plan on paying for their kids’ college tuition, since “that’s what family does.”

I let them pitch their story, then called them out based on what my folks had told me. Things went sideways from there. There was denial, crying, cursing, yelling—you name it. I swear my ears are still ringing two days later. I won’t lie: I said some really mean and crappy things to them—but nothing that wasn’t true. They finally left after about an hour.

After that I took a shower and laid down. When I got up my wife was home, and her first words were that she’d had to block more phone numbers because my sisters were blowing up our phones from new ones.

My folks messaged me yesterday asking me to call. I’m sure my sisters have told them some BS version of what happened, but I’m not up to rehashing it yet. I’m usually a pretty energetic person, but this drama has me beaten down. I had just enough energy today to drive up to the vacation house and padlock the entrance gate shut. I’m the only one with a key. I’m guessing it will be enough to ensure my siblings leave the place alone. They’d probably die trying to walk four hundred yards uphill to get to the house.

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Third Update (2.5 Weeks Later)

Yet another update regarding the chaos that is my extended family. I thought it might be time, given everything that’s happened over the past two weeks.

After my sisters came to my place, my mom and dad told me they were done managing the vacation home. It sounded like the sisters had been pressuring them to let them use the place again. Basically, my folks handed the responsibility for the place over to me and told me it was my problem from here on out. Up until then they’d kept track of who would be using it and had taken care of routine maintenance, replacing worn‑out items, etc.

In any case, they decided they didn’t want to be in the middle of all this drama. While I don’t blame them, I’m disappointed, because the damn place was supposed to be something for them to enjoy and hang out in—and they used it regularly. Plus, I’ve never cared that they let my sisters and their families use it—because really I’ve always thought that was my parents’ call even though I technically own it.

But now my folks are going to be in the position of not having access without me being involved, and that changes the whole dynamic of the place.

I’ve taken several steps to secure the property. I already mentioned that I locked the gate—it now has a heavy‑duty chain and the best lock I could find. I also did a full reset on all the door keypads and created all new codes. Security cameras were installed yesterday, which is actually pretty cool because the installer convinced me to put a high‑resolution one that looks out over the valley. The system cost me way more than I thought it would, but the peace of mind is worth it. The installer also put up signs on the property saying the place is monitored by video.

I also installed a heavy‑duty lockout for the water shutoff/drain valve. I hope to hell I don’t lose the keys for it, because if I do it’s going to be a pain in the rear to remove. I haven’t told anyone but my wife that the water is locked off, and again, only we have the keys.

Last week I got separate calls at my office from both of the husbands trying to convince me to let them use the house like they always have. The older one had gone up with some friends for a guys’ hangout but couldn’t get in because of the gate lock. He was pretty pissed and embarrassed about being locked out. I’m sure he would have broken the lock if he could have. During his call he kept bouncing between being pushy and playing the victim. At one point he threatened to “rip that gate out of the goddamn ground.” He also admitted they’d been renting it out to a few friends—said they needed the money, claimed I was ruining “their business,” and even said I should refund their guests’ money. Me: F that.

I should have recorded the conversation with him, but I don’t know how to do that from an office phone. Anyway, the other brother‑in‑law just sounded like he was being made to call by my sister. He didn’t really put up a fight when I told him not to plan on ever using the place again.

In any case, I told them they can’t use the place and not to ask again.

At this point I’m considering selling the vacation home. My wife and I won’t use it enough to justify keeping it and it’s not like there’s going to be any family get‑togethers there anytime soon. I mentioned selling it to my folks and their response was pretty much “whatever.” I’d more than double my money by selling it. The place consists of three lots with gorgeous views and is at the end of a private road, but I’ll probably wait a while to sell—doing so now would be an emotional decision.

My sisters and I aren’t currently speaking and I have no plans to initiate contact. I don’t know what the status is between them and my folks and I don’t want to.

On the upside we spent an evening with my folks last week and went to a new restaurant. That was nice. No one brought up any of this drama. Mom did update us on the nieces and nephews. She’s spending time with them at their homes.

Sorry this update isn’t full of laughs or victories. That’s just life sometimes.

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Fourth Update (One Month Later)

A couple of people have asked for an update, so here you go.

I hired a guy to manage and oversee the vacation home. He lives in the area, takes care of his parents, and manages several properties—some are vacation rentals and others are weekend places like ours. He has access to my camera feeds and does a physical check on the property every week or two. I think he may have the best job in the mountains. He gets paid to drive around with his dog, walk around the properties, and hang out on people’s decks whenever he feels like it. He also has access to a camera feed from a house near the start of the private road which takes still shots whenever a vehicle passes by.

It costs $450 per month and he also handles basic maintenance and repairs on an hourly basis. He’s friends with all the sheriff’s deputies, too. This arrangement has given me a lot of peace of mind—he even sends photos from his walks to everyone once or twice a week.

I have to brag a bit about my parents. I got all this from them tonight at dinner. They were under pressure from my sisters to demand that I open up the vacation house to everyone for Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving up there had become quite the tradition for the family—though not for me or my wife. We’ve only gone once in seven years. My dad refused to bother me about it because he knew I’d say no. Instead, they came up with what I think is a great plan: they announced that they were organizing the Thanksgiving gathering and if everyone split the cost in advance, they’d rent an Airbnb in the mountains. Otherwise, they’d host Thanksgiving at their place—or one of the sisters could host it.

This caused a fight between the sisters because the middle sister was all for the Airbnb idea, but the oldest one doesn’t have any money. The deadline to commit to the Airbnb has passed, so it looks like Thanksgiving will be at my parents’ place. Regardless, we won’t be there.

My parents have asked that we not sell the vacation house for now. They’ve decided they’d still like to use it occasionally, but not until my sisters have come to terms with the “new normal.” And of course they’d probably like it if everyone could gather there again down the road—but that’s just not going to happen. I’d just as soon sell it and move on at this point, but I can live with keeping it if my parents use it now and then. Plus it will likely be worth even more in the future.

My wife and I have remained no‑contact with my sisters and their husbands. Both sisters have called from new numbers and left messages insisting that I meet with them “for our parents’ sake” to work out how everyone can use the “family vacation home.” They’ve called my wife, too. I’m glad I already had the habit of not answering calls from numbers I don’t recognize. I honestly don’t know if they’re delusional or if they think they can bully me into giving them access again. I don’t really care.

My parents tell me that the oldest sister and her husband are getting out of the leases for their SUV and big truck and are selling their jet skis and some other things they’ve never needed. That’s going to be really hard on her. She’s quite the braggart and won’t like being seen in something older, smaller, or cheaper. My brother‑in‑law’s identity is very much tied to his truck, as well. He even has a small tattoo of the truck company’s logo. Frankly, that’s one of the many reasons why he and I never hung out.

Several people have suggested that I turn the vacation home into an Airbnb. I don’t plan to do so—at least not anytime soon. I know it would make money, but it would cause an incredible amount of drama in the family and would stress out my parents. They don’t need that. It would also be a hassle to remove the personal things my parents have there, as that stuff has nowhere to go. There would also be wear and tear on the property and even though I’d use a manager it would still take some amount of time on my part. It’s just not worth it to me.

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Fifth Update (1.5 Months Later)

Wrote most of this yesterday but decided to wait to post it until I wasn’t so wound up. Waiting didn’t work. I’m still wound up. Sorry if this rambles—so much has happened it’s hard to write coherently.

Things have gone to hell. I really, truly did not think anything like this would happen. Things had settled down—or so I thought. I haven’t seen or heard from my sisters in over six weeks. My parents went up to the house for a week and had a good time. David, the property manager I hired, has been great. He’s done a couple of repairs I asked for and I’ve given him a list he’s working on. He usually sends photos of wildlife or sunsets to his clients every week, which was kind of making me want to get up there.

On the Friday after Thanksgiving my brothers‑in‑law went to my vacation home. They used an angle grinder to cut through the chain on the driveway gate, damaging the gate in the process. They tried to get in through the front door—ruining the lockset and gouging the door badly. They finally got in through the utility floor door and a locked internal door. They also broke into the barn—I’m not sure why.

When they went out through the front door they were met by sheriff’s deputies—and David. David gets notifications from the camera system when there’s activity. He saw what was going on and called the sheriff’s department.

According to David, the brothers‑in‑law tried to bluff their way out of it, but the deputies didn’t buy it. Breaking into an empty house is a pretty serious thing up there—it’s usually substance addicts who ransack places and hawk everything. When my brothers‑in‑law were arrested they freaked out, saying how they were going to beat the hell out of me, etc. Not smart to say that in front of cops.

David and the sheriff’s office tried calling my wife and me to see what we wanted to do, but we were spending the day with her parents and had left our phones in the car so we could be in vacation mode. So they booked the brothers‑in‑law on everything—which is exactly what I would have asked them to do anyway.

My brothers‑in‑law called their wives from jail, who of course freaked out. They called my parents, tried to call me (they’re blocked), and tried to find a lawyer up there to arrange bail. Not easy to do in a rural area on a holiday weekend. My older sister has zero cash and maxed‑out credit cards, so if they made bail my middle sister would have had to pay for both husbands. I know they were still in jail as of Saturday afternoon.

We didn’t check our phones until late Friday on the way home from my in‑laws. There were a ton of calls and messages from my mom, dad, David, and the sheriff’s department. Talk about ruining a great day—I was in such a good mood until I looked at my phone. My wife read through the texts and listened to the messages, reading them out to me. By the time we got home I had some idea of what was going on. I put my brain back into thinking mode, tried to get past my anger, and failed.

I called David and got the rundown on what had happened and how bad the damage was—which resulted in even more anger. I ended Friday by calling the sheriff’s department and telling them there was no misunderstanding—my brothers‑in‑law had absolutely no right to be on my property, and I wanted to press charges.

I didn’t call my parents back.

I barely slept.

I waited until Saturday afternoon to call my parents. They were both pretty rattled about it all—my mom in particular. My sisters had browbeaten them into telling me I should tell the cops it was all a mistake and that I wanted the charges dropped. I flat‑out refused and told them there was no way I’d do that until I spoke with an attorney and was fully paid for whatever it will cost to fix everything 100%.

My mom was crying hard by the time we got off the phone—which of course made me feel like crap. My dad suggested it was time for a complete reset—but also said he thought they needed to pay for the damage.

I haven’t gone up to the property yet. There’s nothing I can do, and I’ll probably go nuts when I see the damage in person. The photos are bad enough. I’m hoping to go tomorrow or Wednesday, but my job isn’t one I can just leave for non‑emergencies.

I’ve left messages with two attorney friends asking them to recommend the right lawyers to go after my sisters and brothers‑in‑law. I don’t know what I can do exactly, but I’m hoping to get restraining orders. I have all the texts they’ve sent me—that might help. I’m also strongly considering suing them for the money they made renting the place, wear and tear from renting it, repair costs from their break‑in, emotional distress, lost income from having to deal with this, attorney fees, and whatever else we could. The gloves are off at this point.

A couple of side notes: (1) My brothers‑in‑law had no idea I’d hired someone to keep an eye on things or that there are cameras there now. My parents knew but hadn’t told them because they knew it would just give my sisters a reason to stir up drama. There are signs on the property stating it’s being monitored with cameras, as well as “No Trespassing” signs. (2) My wife has completely had it at this point. I don’t blame her. She’s been more than patient about it all, but she’s reached her limit and wasn’t shy about letting me know. She told me it’s up to me how I deal with this, but she thinks they all need to be taught hard lessons. (3) My older brother‑in‑law likely won’t face repercussions at his job over this, but my middle brother‑in‑law has a security clearance—so he might. I’m hoping that will motivate him to pay for the damages immediately. (4) David, the caretaker, has an interesting background. I knew he was friends with some of the deputies and figured it was because they were all locals. I was wrong. He was a cop in a big city for years, was shot on duty, and afterwards decided to quit and move to where his parents had retired. He has some PTSD from it all. His dog is a certified service animal and is usually with him. I know law‑enforcement people tend to stick together, so I guess that’s how they became his friend group.

I don’t want to see or speak with these pricks for the rest of my life. I know this is in direct conflict with my overwhelming urge to make their lives as miserable as—

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Sixth Update (Five Days Later)

I didn’t think I’d be making another post this soon, but a lot has happened over the past two days.

Thursday afternoon I received a courier‑delivered envelope at my office. Inside was a signed letter from both my brothers‑in‑law and a cashier’s check for $5,000. In the letter they offered what I have to admit was a very sincere apology. Among other things they acknowledged breaking in, admitted it was wrong, and said the $5,000 was to pay for the damage—with a promise to pay more if it cost more than that. They also stated they would stay away from the vacation home unless my wife and I specifically invited them. They asked me to do what I could to get the charges dropped as soon as possible as they could both lose their jobs, and they agreed to a restraining order or any other measures necessary to make that happen.

There was more in the letter, all conciliatory, but that’s the gist of it.

To say this was a shock would be an understatement. It was obviously a total 180 from their previous behavior. I had already made an appointment with an attorney to discuss suing my brothers‑in‑law for the damage and to pursue a restraining order. I called him to explain what I just received and he agreed to meet with me at the end of the day instead of next week. He advised me not to deposit the check.

We met for about two hours. He recommended that my wife and I proceed with a settlement and mutual‑release agreement with all four of them—my sisters and their husbands. He explained that while we would almost certainly win a lawsuit against them, it could take two years or more, involve significant upfront legal fees, and there was a chance we might never see the money. He also noted that we could keep the $5,000 free and clear even if we didn’t let them off the hook.

He’s now drafting the agreement, which will include what is essentially the civil equivalent of a restraining order. It should be ready by Monday. I had already asked my property manager to prepare a bid for repairing the damage. After the meeting I asked him to provide the most accurate estimate possible as soon as he could. I received it on Friday—he estimates it will cost around $4,000 to fix everything, most of which is for the front door.

On Friday my attorney contacted each of the brothers‑in‑law, explained what we were proposing, and advised them to get their own lawyers. Both of them agreed to the proposal. The middle brother‑in‑law told him they could afford to either pay for the damages or hire a lawyer, but not both—and they figured a lawyer wouldn’t make much of a difference since they had no real defense for what they did. His main concern was whether the charges could be dropped. From what I can tell they’re willing to do anything or sign anything to make this go away.

My attorney also reached out to the district attorney’s office on Friday to discuss dismissing the charges. He got the name of the prosecutor and left a message but hasn’t spoken to them yet. He believes the charges might be dismissed, since the brothers‑in‑law are paying up and they have no prior offenses, but he’s not a criminal lawyer so it’s not guaranteed. He also advised me to be prepared to drive up there Monday or Tuesday to tell the prosecutor in person that I want the charges dismissed.

He further recommended that my wife and I remain completely no‑contact with my sisters and their husbands—especially over the next six months—and stressed the importance of strictly following the terms of the agreement for any future interactions with them.

I suspect this sudden change of heart from the brothers‑in‑law is because they’ve realized what’s at stake for them—what it will cost in legal fees, fines, and potentially their jobs. There’s also the unlikely but possible risk of them serving up to 120 days in jail. One of them, as I’ve mentioned before, has a security clearance for his job that could be jeopardized. This seems like their Hail Mary to preserve their normal lives.

This isn’t a perfect resolution to the situation, but at least it addresses the legal and financial aspects of the mess I’ve been dealing with for the past few months. I doubt I’ll ever have a civil relationship with any of them again, and that’s fine. At this point I just want to put this behind me, move on with my life, and never speak to them again. I’m exhausted. My wife feels the same way.

On a bit of a side note: receiving the written apology was, strangely, a significant moment for me. I never expected it, but it seems to matter to me more than I thought it would. The money doesn’t feel particularly important right now (though I’ll certainly accept it). I’m also fairly certain that my middle sister and her husband provided the money—the cashier’s check is from the credit union of the company he works for.

Once everything is signed I plan to make one final update—likely just an edit to this post. I apologize if this comes across as overly detailed. Writing these posts has helped me process everything and the feedback I’ve received has been invaluable. I truly appreciate everyone’s comments, insights, and support. I sincerely hope none of you ever have to deal with this kind of nonsense.

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Seventh Update (Five Days Later)

Tuesday morning I met with my attorney and went over the agreement. We changed a couple of minor things and he sent it to my sisters and brothers‑in‑law. It included a requirement that they pay my attorney’s fee (about $3,000). They weren’t happy about that and tried to negotiate it away, but he told them they either accept it as is or there would be no deal at all—in that case we’d proceed with suing them for the money they made from renting out the place, wear and tear from renting it, repair costs from their break‑in, emotional distress, lost income from having to deal with this, attorney fees, and whatever else we could. He told them I would push hard with the DA’s office to prosecute every charge.

My attorney also told me that everyone was very cold and curt toward one another, but they managed to keep it together long enough to sign and left without making too big of a scene.

I drove up to the vacation house early yesterday to check out the damage and meet with the DA’s office. Seeing the damage made my blood boil. It was so senseless. I was so angry that I was ready to eat the cost of repairs and do everything I could to ruin their lives. I tried walking it off but failed miserably. I ended up calling a good friend who stayed on the phone with me for over an hour letting me vent. He eventually got me to focus on the bigger picture of putting this behind me and moving on with my life. Honestly, I’m still not sure that’s what I want to do, but I settled down enough to get some food in me and I felt better after lunch.

I went to the DA’s office. I hadn’t made an appointment so I had to wait a while, but I eventually met with the assistant DA handling the case. The short version is that since I don’t want to prosecute and the brothers‑in‑law have already paid for the damages, they are willing to drop all the charges except trespassing, which will be a Class 2 misdemeanor. The brothers‑in‑law will have to plead guilty and pay whatever fine the judge sets. I was also told that if they fight the trespassing charge or cause any more trouble, things would go very poorly for them. It helped that they didn’t resist arrest—if they had, none of the charges would have been dropped.

I also stopped by the sheriff’s office to thank them for responding so quickly and for everything they did. I wanted to thank the deputies personally, but only spoke with a dispatch person. I also tried to meet up with David, the property manager, but I couldn’t get ahold of him.

A couple of notes: The agreement includes a no‑contact clause. Essentially: if any of them show up where my wife or I are (or vice versa), whoever got there last has to leave immediately. There will be no contact except through attorneys or other mutually agreed‑upon third parties. They get to keep whatever they made from renting the vacation house—my big “give”—unless I face any tax consequences, which they will be responsible for. We release each other from all other liabilities up through the present. There’s more to it than that, but those are the main points.

My wife and I will sign the agreement later today. After that I won’t be able to talk about most of this, but I’ll still be able to talk around it, I think. This will be my final update regarding all this nonsense, but I’ll respond to comments if I can. As I’ve said before, posting about all of this and reading people’s thoughts and responses has been really helpful. It’s probably been key to my handling this in a relatively healthy way—so thank you all again.

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Eighth Update (3.5 Months Later)

Thought it would be worth an update for anyone who’s interested. Unsurprisingly, my oldest sister and brother‑in‑law have filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. While I don’t care about what happens to them (financially or otherwise), they’ve also managed to drag my parents into their mess, which I’m not happy about.

At the start of the year my brother‑in‑law’s oversized customized “pride and joy” truck was repossessed. Pretty embarrassing for him, I’m sure, since it happened at work. This was their breaking point. Without the truck they have to share a Kia my parents loaned them, and they can barely fit in it with their three kids.

Financially, they’re screwed. They owe at least $125,000 (probably more) on high‑interest credit cards. They have zero equity in their house and they have a couple of personal loans that I’m pretty certain they got under false pretenses. They have loans on their jet skis, ATVs, and trailers. They also owe a chunk of money from defaulting on the truck lease. They hadn’t made any payments on their credit cards or loans in months and were behind on their house payments as well. They got out of the lease on my sister’s massive SUV late last year. They were upside down on it, so they had to come up with cash to get out of it. They also had to pay an attorney, the fine, and court costs for my brother‑in‑law’s trespassing charge at the vacation house. On top of that they owe my middle sister and her husband money for bail and their portion of the damages to the place.

As I’ve mentioned before, my folks have never been financial wizards, but they have at least been generally responsible. They’re retired, their home is paid off, and they live off of Social Security and pensions. Altogether they get more than they spend. Minimal savings—just an emergency fund. Turns out my folks emptied that fund, cashed out their small IRA (around $20,000), and gave it to my sister. That allowed her to catch up on the house payment and cover the negative equity on her car lease. But now literally every bit of savings my parents possessed is gone. Plus my parents have been paying for their groceries for several months and continue to pay the insurance on the car they loan my sister.

According to my dad, my sister worked my mom for weeks to get her to fork over the money. They’d worked on both my folks at the same time for a while, but my dad flat‑out refused every time. Eventually my mom caved. She was worried that my sister would have to move—move to a hub in some backwater town—and that the kids would be barefoot and eating dirt.

Dad’s not happy about it, and to say there’s some tension between them right now is an understatement. But they’ll be fine. I was pretty disappointed when my parents told me all this, but I wasn’t surprised. It sucks that they emptied out their savings to help, but I kind of get it. The way the bankruptcy laws are in our state, by getting caught up on the home loan my sister should be able to keep the house. I tried hard not to say how I felt about this and my sister. I mostly succeeded. Really, I’m way more pissed about this than I should be.

The worst part for me is that my sister and brother‑in‑law could now contact me and my wife without any real fear of repercussions. The only penalty the no‑contact agreement has is that if they violate it we can go after them for the money they made from renting out the vacation house and related damages. Since they filed for bankruptcy, that’s no longer an impediment for them. I’m hoping they’ll leave us alone, but who knows.

My folks also told me that my middle sister and her husband have hit a rough spot and that he’s not currently living with her and the kids. Just a guess, but I imagine he’s had it with the whole family dynamic that caused this nonsense.

Not directly related, but on a brighter note: I’ve spent two weekends at the mountain house since the start of the year—once with my wife and once alone. Both times there was a lot of snow. It was incredibly beautiful and relaxing. Very therapeutic. The place also has good internet service now, which is nice. Plus, knowing that I can count on David (the property manager) to keep the place in shape, stocked, ready for us to visit, and to help if we get snowed in eliminates most of the stress of owning it. My folks have used it a few times as well and get along great with David.

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Ninth Update (Four Months Later)

There’s been a fair number of requests for an update and, considering it’s coming up on the one‑year anniversary of the pool incident, I thought I’d post one.

My folks worked through Mom giving my oldest sister her IRA and their emergency fund. Altogether Mom gave her $45,000, according to Dad. Once Mom realized how much she’d been manipulated, she got as mad and upset as he’d ever seen her. I think she had a moment of clarity. She and Dad ended up calling my sisters on a three‑way call and, according to Dad, it went south pretty quickly. The sisters were gaslighting them; Mom lost her cool and ended up ripping into them hard. There were lots of tears and eventually both sisters hung up. Mom really just wanted both sisters to acknowledge that they’d put her and Dad in a risky financial situation. A typical blow‑up, I guess, but not the kind of thing that usually happens in our family.

The next morning my dad called my older sister and told her he’d be picking up the car they loaned her. She tried to argue, but he told her it wasn’t up for discussion. He got a neighbor friend to take him to her house as soon as he hung up and drove it home without talking to her. My sister called and went off on him—said lots of nasty stuff, which of course hurt him—but at least they have the car back.

Dad also told me something that left me dumbfounded: for the last seventeen years they had been giving both sisters a grocery allowance of up to $500 per month. What the f***. I thought I had a pretty good handle on where their money was going—but clearly I was wrong. This started back when I was going to grad school and living at home. My sisters asked for the money because they thought it wasn’t fair that I was living at home rent‑free, and then it just never ended. In any case, my parents cut them off. Unsurprisingly, my sisters weren’t happy about it. Who the hell gets an allowance from their parents when they’re in their forties?

Because of all this my folks and sisters quit talking for a while. I don’t know if they’ve resolved everything, but they appear to be on speaking terms again—though my folks aren’t having them or the kids over. I’m in “don’t ask” mode; it’s their business.

My folks are using the vacation home fairly regularly. Currently they’re there for a two‑week stay (and will probably make it three). Unfortunately my wife and I haven’t spent any time there lately, other than me having made a couple of day trips to check on it and drop off some supplies. The property manager I hired, David, is still taking good care of the place.

Side notes: My middle sister told my mom that the oldest sister had been making over $6,000 per month renting the house out—and that it had been going on for nearly three years. I’m pretty certain she didn’t declare the income, so that’s like grossing $88,000 to $99,000 per year. I will forever find the grift mind‑blowing.

My oldest sister and brother‑in‑law still have their house. My attorney checked up on their bankruptcy case—the court converted it from Chapter 7 to Chapter 13, which I believe means they have to pay back a lot more of their debts. My middle sister and her husband are still separated. I don’t know if my middle brother‑in‑law has had any issues with his security clearance because of breaking into the house; I do know he’s still with the same big defense company.

At my parents’ request I’ve been working on putting their house into a trust. They want me to manage their affairs as they get older and keep the house safe for my sisters. I’m working with an attorney, but it’s not done yet. My folks have asked me to be the trustee and have also given me full power of attorney.

The best part about the last few months is that my sisters and brothers‑in‑law have left us alone and have stayed away from the vacation home. My wife and I are really happy to be back to our normal lives. Hope everyone else’s lives are going great.

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Tenth Update (Five Months Later)

Some folks have asked for an update, so here you go. In August my attorney informed me that he’d received a letter from my middle brother‑in‑law. This was the first contact from any of my sisters or their husbands since they’d been arrested. It was a long letter containing a sincere apology and a lot of information he thought I should know. The biggest revelation was that he and my sister are divorced—not just separated. He moved out and filed for divorce right after we made the settlement agreement. He and my middle sister kept it quiet until it was finalised. Their house sold in June and she has since moved into an apartment.

He explained that being arrested last year (along with my other brother‑in‑law) for breaking into the vacation house could have cost him his job and ruined his career—which became a huge moment of clarity for him. He shared that the dynamic between the four of them (my sisters, him, and my oldest sister’s husband) had become totally toxic. He said they are all borderline alcoholics (or worse), and he needed to get away from that environment. He no longer speaks to my oldest sister or her husband.

He also asked if he, my dad, and I could meet to have an extended conversation, as there were things he wanted to discuss in person. Frankly I wasn’t enthusiastic about it, but my wife thought it was worth considering. I asked my dad if he was interested; he was. So I relayed a response to my now ex‑brother‑in‑law through my attorney and we met over lunch. We talked for over two hours. It was exhausting.

Ex‑brother‑in‑law looked better than I’d seen him in… well, forever. He’s quit drinking, is in therapy, has lost a lot of weight, and looks fit. He was apologetic about all the nonsense he’d been involved in and apologized to my dad for hiding the divorce. He told us therapy is really helping him. He asked me if the $5,000 he’d sent covered all the damage to the vacation house. I told him it had, and thanked me for speaking with the county prosecutor. He mentioned he’s seriously considering transferring to a new project that would have him living overseas for the next few years. He said he really needs to reset his life but is trying to balance that against being present for his kids.

Ex‑brother‑in‑law also dropped what, for me, was quite the WTF moment: apparently my sisters have hated me since before I was born, but have always hidden it from the rest of us. They liked things better when it was just the two of them. He said that when they drank (which was whenever they were together), my sisters would often complain about me being the favorite child, how my parents gave me more opportunities than they had, and how my success was due to that favoritism. They believed I didn’t deserve my accomplishments. None of this made any sense to me or my dad. All three of us went to the same public schools, worked and done part‑time jobs, etc. My parents paid for 100% of their college—not mine, ’cause I got a full scholarship. I was pretty shocked by this, but my dad was literally speechless. Eventually Dad said he had no idea they felt that way as kids and that he and Mom had never favored any of us. He’s still struggling to process this.

Personally, I’m embarrassed that I was clueless about it all my life—but it does explain a lot.

Ex‑brother‑in‑law warned us that my sisters and the remaining brother‑in‑law plan to put on a full‑court press to alienate my parents from my wife and me. They also intend to withhold the grandkids from my parents as leverage. He said they’re still 1000% convinced that my parents are sitting on a ton of money and they want some of it ASAP. They believe I’d stop my parents from giving them anything. That made my dad laugh because he and Mom simply don’t have any real money—other than their house, of course.

Ex‑brother‑in‑law also admitted that he and my middle sister had rented out the vacation house a total of six times over the years. He offered to pay me what they had made, but I declined and told him it was in the past. He also shared that my oldest sister and her husband had never declared the rental income to the IRS. He did—because he didn’t want to get into trouble.

Both my dad and I spoke with ex‑brother‑in‑law separately for a few minutes. I don’t know what they discussed. I thanked him for his apology and for making things right financially. I also wished him well and told him I’d be open to talking again in the future. That said, I don’t think it’s likely to happen. I probably could have been more forgiving, but I think he appreciated my honesty about how all this has affected my wife and me. There was more, but it’s less important, and this is already too long.

After ex‑brother‑in‑law left, I asked my dad if he, Mom, and I could sit down to talk about everything. I didn’t mean immediately, but that’s how he took it—he called Mom to let her know I was coming over, so I rolled with it. Mom was pretty hurt by my sisters’ plans to ruin her and Dad’s relationship with my wife and me and to use the grandkids as pawns. She cried a lot and wanted to confront them immediately, but Dad convinced her to hold off for now. Mom was also dumbfounded by the idea that I was supposedly the favorite child—she felt they were actually stricter with me since I had a hard curfew and my sisters didn’t. To be honest, I barely remember that. It was twenty‑five years ago.

A couple of side notes: My middle sister eventually told our parents about her divorce. She’s currently living off child support and her share of the home sale. Supposedly she’s trying to find a job. My parents have gone low‑contact with both sisters. I have no idea how permanent that will be, but Mom seems completely done with them for the foreseeable future. My parents have been spending a lot of time at the vacation house and were up there for over a month at one point. Ex‑brother‑in‑law found my Reddit posts. He’s not thrilled about them but feels they’re mostly accurate—though obviously slanted toward my point of view. He disagreed with my characterization of him as “boring,” but added that he finds me boring, too. I can live with that. Our worlds don’t overlap much except for my sister.

We got the trust set up for my parents’ house and I’m the trustee. All of this has been emotionally draining for me; I decided to start seeing a therapist again. I’ve seen one in the past for stress‑related issues. I’ve been going for a while now and it’s definitely helpful. My therapist believes my decision to stay no‑contact with my siblings is healthy for now, but encourages me to keep an open mind for the future.

Merry Christmas to you all.