My fiancée and I both have kids from previous relationships. We both agreed that we would provide for our own kids, but she saw that I bought my daughter $300 worth of shoes because she loves running. Now she is furious that I did not get her kids any shoes and is giving me the cold shoulder. (Posted by you/throwway_2,948,199.)

My fiancée has three kids (16M, 19F, 13M) with her ex. Meanwhile, I only have one kid with my ex—my daughter (14F).

My daughter is a state‑qualifying cross‑country and track runner. This means that her training schedule is rather intense, with her weekly mileage reaching into the high 70s and low 80s. At her most recent sports physical, I asked her doctor how often I should replace her shoes because I’m sure they get worn out pretty quickly with the number of miles she’s running each week. Her doctor recommended switching the shoes out every six months, as well as getting two pairs of shoes so she can switch out the pair she’s wearing every other day or so. However, her shoes may need to be replaced earlier depending on how intense her weeks get.

After the appointment, I took my daughter out to a few athletic stores so she could pick out a few pairs. I told her to pick out four pairs of running shoes—two for track season and two for cross‑country. Then I told her to pick out a pair of spikes for her races. I spent over $300 on her shoes.

When we came home, my fiancée saw the bags my daughter was holding, and my daughter excitedly told her about the new shoes she had gotten. My fiancée stayed quiet until later that night while we were getting ready for bed. She started yelling at me for being irresponsible and a horrible person to her own kids. She said she was very mad because I should also get her kids shoes if I’m spending over $300 on my daughter.

I mentioned that we agreed we would each provide for our own kids on our own, and her kids don’t play any sports. They all sit in their rooms all day on their electronics. Even when I do buy them something, they never say thank you or appreciate what I get them. She got even angrier, and now she still hasn’t talked to me. It’s been two weeks. How do I handle her anger toward me for not getting her kids shoes when I got my daughter shoes?

Top/relevant comments

Additional info from OP: Money is not an issue for me. I make a lot—more than enough to live comfortably. My daughter’s passion for running will never die down, so she won’t quit. She tells me every day that she can’t wait for practice so she can go on a run with her friends. Her foot size has stayed the same since seventh grade. She just started freshman year, so I’m going to assume her foot size is done growing. Also, as a runner, it is her responsibility to have a well‑balanced diet, stretch, roll out, and utilize her recovery runs and rest days efficiently so that she does not get injured. Of course, injuries happen, but she does things so the risk is minimized, and she has not had a serious injury in her running career.

Commenter: These are simply my opinions. (1) As a former high‑school runner of similar caliber, five pairs is a bit much all at once. Two pairs now, two pairs when track actually starts, and a pair of spikes for each season would have been fine and is probably the right way to go ultimately. But buying them all at once probably is what got the shock factor ramped up for your fiancée. (2) As someone who has been in a relationship dynamic similar to yours, any relationship where yelling and insults are seen as a way to resolve disagreements and conflict is bad news. I highly recommend counseling before marriage. On the back end of two years of individual counseling post‑divorce, I know now how much we both could have used it beforehand.

OP’s response: Thank you for your opinions. I suppose I could have waited, but I leave for a work trip in the beginning of January, which is when her track season starts, and I know my fiancée wouldn’t take her to get shoes even if I sent her money for it. It just made sense to me to get them for her now rather than wait. The track shoes are put away and ready for her to take out when track season starts. Though I do want to say that money is—and never has been—the issue. It’s what I spent my money on for my daughter that my fiancée has issues with. To your comment on therapy, she has been medicated for depression and anxiety since she was 20. She goes to therapy herself weekly, but she doesn’t like the idea of me going with her.

Commenter Two: “I know my fiancée wouldn’t take her to get shoes even if I sent her money for it.” Read that again. You know this—yet you’re still engaged to her? Why would you want to marry someone like this?

OP’s response: She says it’s because she isn’t comfortable getting something so important for my daughter, as she doesn’t want to mess it up. I don’t want to force it, so I took her to get shoes instead after her appointment.

Update (8 Days Later)

My (30M) daughter’s (14F) Nintendo Switch completely stopped working earlier this week. She got it the month it was released (March 2017) and has kept it in good condition for over six years. Yesterday, she had her conference cross‑country meet where she both PR’d and qualified to run state. To celebrate her new achievements, I took her out to eat and then bought her a new Nintendo Switch with a game she picked out.

My fiancée (38F) came back from her parents earlier today and saw my daughter playing with her Switch. She asked me about it after my daughter left with her boyfriend, and I told her that I wanted to celebrate her accomplishments in her running career, so I got her a new Switch as a gift. Fiancée then got really angry and told me that if I’m going to buy my daughter something, then I have to be fair and buy her own kids (19F, 16M, 13M) something, too.

I pointed out that I do buy her kids gifts when they reach goals and achievements, too. For example, I bought my stepdaughter an expensive Hello Kitty necklace as a high‑school graduation gift, and I let both the boys pick out two video games when they passed their final exams. She told me that it’s unfair I spend more on my daughter than I do on her kids because I make a lot more than her. Fiancée then got angrier and accused me of not liking her kids because of the different financial treatment between her kids and my kid.

She left with her two sons, but her daughter stayed with me at the house because she’s on my side. I got a bunch of texts from her family calling me a selfish jerk for treating her kids differently when buying gifts. Am I the jerk?

Top/relevant comments

Commenter: Not the jerk. You’re not even married and already this kind of drama has started. Red flag. If she’s that particular, she can buy them gifts as well. Or you both could discuss it and get all your kids appropriate gifts together.

OP’s response: We haven’t really discussed financial treatment regarding the kids, but she doesn’t buy my daughter anything. I understand that because I make a lot more than her, but I didn’t really think anything of her not buying things for my daughter.

Commenter: I’m so sorry to hear that. Maybe it’s time to have that talk before things get any more serious. It would probably make sense to sign a prenup just in case.

OP’s response: She is against signing a prenup because she takes it as me thinking of her as a gold digger, which I don’t think she is. We are comfortable staying engaged.

Commenter Two: So, she’s angry that you buy gifts for her kids because they’re not as expensive, but she doesn’t say anything about that until you replace your daughter’s Switch. Worrisome. Is she interested in you or your wallet?

OP’s response: She doesn’t act like a gold digger, so I didn’t think about it that way. She just doesn’t really parent or buy things for my daughter. I don’t parent her kids either, except for when they come to me for advice on things. I don’t discipline them or anything like that.

Commenter Three: It’s a bit weird she doesn’t buy your daughter anything, but she expects you to treat her kids. She could buy your daughter something within her financial means. Is she always this jealous of your daughter when you do stuff for her?

OP’s response: Well, this isn’t the first time she and I argued over me buying stuff for my daughter. Last time we argued about it, it was because I bought my daughter multiple pairs of shoes for her cross‑country and track season because she runs high weekly mileages and her shoes wear out quickly. But I was told by a lot of people that I was unreasonable because my purchase for my daughter wasn’t necessary. So I thought I was in the wrong.

Commenter Four: You only replaced her old Nintendo Switch, so technically it wasn’t a new gift. Also, you should be able to buy your daughter a gift and not expect to buy everyone else a gift. How long have you two been together?

OP’s response: We’ve been dating for four years, engaged for two. I’ve known her for seven years, though.

OP responding to a downvoted commenter on having a 14‑year‑old daughter at his age: I was SA’d. I didn’t willingly have a kid. I don’t appreciate that comment. My daughter is my world, and I had a conversation with her about relationships and everything. I trust her, and I’ll support her through everything.

OP adds an edit to his post to answer some common questions because there are a lot of comments and it’s hard to get to all of them in a timely manner:

How does your fiancée treat your daughter? My daughter and fiancée don’t interact much. They’re both polite to each other, but they simply don’t talk much aside from small talk and my daughter asking her some questions about cooking food. I have mentioned to my daughter before that if my fiancée ever were to mistreat her, she needs to tell me and I will always have her back no matter what. To my knowledge, my fiancée does not mistreat her at all. They just don’t talk much.

Do you have a will or trust fund in place? I have a will set up that gives my daughter everything. My will is safe with a very trusted lawyer friend of mine. I also have a trust in place for my daughter and she will gain full access to it once she turns 21.

Did you have this argument in front of her children? No. She called her kids down and told them what we were arguing about. I told them my side, and her sons took her side and left with her.

What is your relationship like with her kids? How are they with your daughter? My relationship with her sons is unfortunately minimal. I try to talk to them about their favorite topics or hobbies, and they either ignore me or shut the conversation down as soon as possible. I don’t talk to them much either, other than when they come to me for advice on things like school, friends, etc. My relationship with her older daughter is very good though—I’d like to think we are close. As for my daughter, she doesn’t talk to her step‑bros much, but she’s extremely close with her older sister.

OP adds a second edit to his post: To clear up another few common things being mentioned: my fiancée has not always been this way with my daughter and me. She started getting much more defensive when my daughter finished middle school. I am not with my fiancée for segs. My segs drive is low and so is hers. Her children’s father is not in their life and does not pay child support. My daughter’s mother is not in her life either.

Commenter Five: Your daughter doesn’t have a problem with it because she is scared of causing an argument and being hated even more than she already is. Out of everyone who lives in the house, her daughter is the only one she gets on with apart from you. That is disgusting. She’s being isolated and you’re allowing it. You seem to not be bothered about your daughter’s well‑being. She is ignored by the grandparents as well. So, your fiancée has a big support system and, coincidentally, when things don’t go her way, they all message and call you and side with her. Are you that scared of being on your own that you will subject your daughter to this constantly? You are not your fiancée’s ATM. You can spend your money on who you want when you want. Her kids are not your responsibility. It’s not your fault their dad doesn’t have anything to do with them. When you get married, you are going to be putting your daughter in such a risky situation. She is already jealous of her. If you do stay with her, I can see your daughter turning 18 and leaving with this boyfriend and having no contact with you. Is it really worth losing her over your fiancée? I think you need to open your eyes—or better yet, stop making excuses for an entitled gold digger. It doesn’t matter if her family has money and buys things. You have been enabling her behavior and so has her family. She thinks she deserves your money. Please leave her.

Commenter Six: She is 38, has three kids, and earns little. You are 30, have one kid, earn a lot, and most probably support all six of you while she pitches in. What did she do before you? How could she get by? And now she does not have a relationship with your daughter, and her kids don’t have a relationship with you. How is this a family?

OP’s response: She has always been getting money from her parents. They’re well‑off and have always helped her out with rent, housing, food, insurance payments, bills, etc. Right before the pandemic hit, she wanted to move in with me to spend more time with me.

Second Update (1 Day Later)

I made a post yesterday asking if I was the jerk because I didn’t buy my fiancée’s kids a gift, but I bought my daughter one. I wanted to thank everyone for the positive feedback and the kind support, as well as the helpful advice I’ve gotten. A lot of people asked for an update after I talked to my fiancée, so here you go.

She came back at 12:00 in the morning alone. She said she left the boys at her parents’ place because she doesn’t, in her words, “want them in the presence of a man who won’t provide for them.”

I sat her down and talked to her about a lot of things. And a lot of you were right. This is not the woman I want to marry.

When I first brought up how she doesn’t bring anything to the table when I pay for everything, she didn’t want to talk about it and kept dodging the subject. I brought up how unfair it was of her to expect me to provide for her and her children when she doesn’t do anything for my daughter and does the bare minimum for me. She doesn’t do house chores. She doesn’t pay bills except her and her daughter’s car payments and car insurance. And she spends minimal time with both me and my daughter.

Fiancée didn’t say anything. Then I talked about the financial and emotional abuse. She freaked the f out. She started yelling about how it was my job as the man to provide for her and her kids because I make so much more than her and they have no father figure. I’m all they had, and she kept bringing that up as an excuse for her behavior toward my money and how I spent it on my daughter.

When I asked her what she expected me to do about my will or a prenup, she told me that any good husband would put his wife above everyone else. She had been banking on me giving her everything I had for over a year at this point.

I don’t like yelling at all, but I was at my breaking point with her. We yelled at each other a lot. It’s not my finest moment, and I’m ashamed, but I realize that I let so much happen and my daughter suffered as a result of it. I told her about her neglect toward my child, and I will not tolerate it any longer. She is my number one priority over everyone else and always will be.

I don’t think my fiancée believed me when I said that, but I guess she realized I was serious when I told her to start packing. I’m done being an ATM for that lady. It’s crazy to think how strangers on an app made me realize how I was stuck in such a toxic, manipulative, and abusive relationship with her. My now ex‑fiancée won’t be a problem anymore. I hope. I don’t think I’ll be with another person for a long time, but thank you to everyone for the support and kindness.

Top/relevant comments

Commenter: Did she change her tune after you told her to pack? Any apologies? Or did she just leave bitterly?

OP’s response: She started crying and begging me to let her stay. No apologies, though. I felt bad because she kept saying I was leaving her poor and defenseless and now she has to stay with her parents.

Commenter Two: So happy for you and your daughter to be rid of that toxic person. Most of the time it takes another person to point out something that you don’t see. That’s when you start to see that person in a new light—rose‑colored glasses for sure. Will you still try having a relationship with her daughter? Sounded like you, your daughter, and she got along well. Sad her boys didn’t even attempt to play nice with you, even after all you did for them. I bet their mother was manipulating them so you couldn’t have one. God forbid they like you more than her.

OP’s response: Since her daughter is a legal adult, my ex doesn’t have a say in where she lives. Her daughter will continue to live with me until she’s able to get her own apartment, but she still has contact with her mom.

Commenter Three: I may have come across as quite harsh yesterday, but my intentions were to try and make you see how bad it actually was for your daughter and how much you were manipulated. Well done for putting your daughter above all. Do not let her friends and family bully you into taking her back. Good luck and protect yourself and your kid.

OP’s response: Your comment stood out to me because it addressed the reason why my daughter might not be telling me what really goes on when she’s alone with my ex. I plan to talk to her later today when I pick her up from her boyfriend’s house. I received a lot of harsh comments, but I realize now it was necessary. I don’t think I would have been able to leave my ex if people on the outside were nice to me about it.

Commenter Four: Bravo for tossing this gold digger out. Bravo for choosing your daughter. She left—the trash took itself out. And I think it may well be apparent why the first marriage failed on her part. I just hope she isn’t knocked up. And if you do hear anything about it, make sure there’s a paternity test. I just hope not because you will end up chained to this woman for a long time.

OP’s response: I got a vasectomy as soon as I turned 18. I mentioned this before, but both our segs drives were low and mine was even lower, so our segs life was pretty non‑existent. If she showed up on my doorstep claiming she was pregnant, she would need to have some proof that it’s mine or I’d get a paternity and DNA test done.

Third Update (12 Days Later)

I wanted to make a post to say a few things, mostly to answer some questions and also because I saw my posts get reposted in a few subreddits and they have gained lots of popularity. I just want to start off by saying thank you so much to everyone for the kind words. Your support means so much to me, and I truly am grateful for the community here. Y’all have opened my eyes and have helped me a ton.

Of course, there’s the other side of the coin where I got some hate—a few comments claiming my life is fake and BS—and then some weirdo in my messages asked me for pictures of my daughter’s feet. It’s not worth my time to focus on the bad side. But regardless, thank you to everyone for your input. All of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

A popular question I have seen asked around is: how the hell I got multiple pairs of shoes for $300? The answer is simple—discounts. A good friend of mine owns an athletic shoe store downtown. So I went there, got a discount because she goes to the local high school and because she’s on the team, also because he’s my friend. I’m eternally grateful for him. He’s done me real good.

On the topic of shoes, many people have asked me why I have gotten my daughter track shoes now even though it’s cross‑country season. The answer to that is also really simple: I won’t be here. I leave for a work trip when her season starts. So, in my mind, it made sense for me to buy her all the gear she needs now while I’m still here. Though, I suppose it doesn’t matter much now because her season is quite literally about to end—and then indoor track season starts shortly after.

My daughter and I are fine. I got her into therapy and I think it really helps her. Ex’s daughter is also fine. I offered to get her into therapy, too, but she said she’d handle it on her own time, so I figured I’d just let her handle it on her own. She’s an adult, and I now recognize that she’s capable of being responsible with her mental health and recognizing when she needs to get help. Both girls know they can come to me whenever, wherever, for whatever.

I did get security cameras installed, and nothing has happened. It’s been peaceful.

Also, to answer another common question: yes, I became a parent at 16. It was not my choice, but I’m glad something good came out of that situation. I work in a chemical plant, and I’ve been working there since I was 19. I got extremely lucky with this job because, truth be told, I didn’t even go to college. I’m grateful for the opportunities I’ve had to be working in a good‑paying job with just a high‑school diploma.

Thank you again for everyone’s support.

Top/relevant comments

Commenter: Good to hear your daughter is in therapy and doing well. Any update on your ex after you broke up with her? Did she try to pull any gold‑digger stunts or did she leave peacefully to her parents?

OP’s response: Nope, it’s been peaceful.

Commenter Two: When did the ex move out? How did that end? So happy to see you and the girls doing good.

OP’s response: I kicked her out last week. As you can imagine, she was definitely not happy with that.

Commenter Three: Good on you, OP. You are a great dad and stepdad. What was your stepdaughter’s relationship like with her mother? It’s interesting she chose to stay with you and the boys went. Did she favor the boys and treat them differently?

OP’s response: From what I can tell, she actually favored her. I think because she’s the oldest and is her firstborn. She did baby and cuddle the two boys a lot, though, especially the 13‑year‑old.

Commenter Four: Have you tried reaching out to the sons? Sucks that they are the ones caught in the crossfire here. I guess there isn’t much you can do if they don’t want a relationship, but it sounds like they need a good parent and probably therapy more than anyone. Well, other than your ex, of course.

OP’s response: I have not tried reaching out. I don’t have their numbers anymore, and I don’t want to contact their mom for any reason.