My wife abandoned our family to join a no-relationships-allowed cult with her friends, and years later she came back expecting to be welcomed with open arms.

I, a 29-year-old male, got married 6 years ago but I’ve been divorced for 3 years now. I have two daughters with my ex-wife Amanda, 30, who are now aged four and five. I have full custody of them since Amanda didn’t want to be bogged down by family responsibilities.

We were happily married for 3 years, had two beautiful kids, and were even planning on buying a house so we could move out of the apartment we lived in—when she suddenly hit me with: “I want to be single and explore the world right now.”

We had been together since high school, so we were all we knew. I was her first everything, and she was mine. So I always assumed we were in it together forever. She seemed fine with not having been with other people, but after 3 years of marriage she told me she wasn’t happy and wanted both of us to be free of the burden of our marriage and family, so we could live life to the fullest.

It was all weird freethinker talk, like my mom would refer to it, and I didn’t understand any of it because I thought she loved me. She insisted she did love me, but also said she loved herself and wanted to give herself a fair chance to explore the world.

I even suggested opening our marriage temporarily, no matter how much it hurt me, just to make sure she stayed married to me and didn’t actually leave. But she wasn’t into that idea and was hellbent on getting divorced so we could both do this the right way.

I was heartbroken after that conversation because it came out of nowhere. When I started crying in front of her, she told me that everything would be fine and to have faith in our love, because if we were meant to be she’d find her way back.

It was ridiculous and unfair, but that’s how our marriage ended. One day she decided to pack her bags and leave so she could explore the world and be on her own for a while—leaving me and our two kids behind without giving a damn about what would happen to us.

I even asked what she thought would happen to the kids and she suggested I leave them with someone I trust and I should go explore the world too. Travel, meet new people, and live a generally adventurous life so I could grow.

I was stunned. As far as I’m concerned, if we bring kids into the world it’s our responsibility to raise them well, protect them, and meet their needs. As a parent you can’t just run off to travel the world and leave your kids behind. And that’s what convinced me she was completely off her rocker.

So I didn’t fight the divorce anymore. I didn’t contest it. The settlement was easy since she didn’t want anything and was ready to give it all up. Her parents were wealthy, so the alimony and child support weren’t a big issue either. She got visitation rights but she rarely visited, and even when she would, she’d make me drop the daughters off at her parents’ place and then wait in another room so she could meet them without being reminded of the past.

But even those visits stopped after the first couple of months.

I found out the real reason behind the change in her behavior much later from a friend of mine, Richard, who happened to have a couple of friends in common with Amanda.

Richard’s cousin happened to be part of the friend circle that Amanda had been influenced by, and he’s the one who told me about them about 2 months after the divorce. I don’t blame him for not telling me earlier because he and his cousin weren’t exactly close, so he hadn’t found out the truth until after the divorce was done. Besides, even if I did know the truth, it wouldn’t have changed anything about the divorce anyway.

According to what Richard told me, his cousin led a very promiscuous, wild, and adventurous lifestyle. Not just him but his entire friend group of about six or seven women believed that they shouldn’t be tied down by relationships and had made a pact to remain single.

Amanda had been introduced to this friend circle by a co-worker of hers, who believed that she’d get along well with these women even though she wasn’t single and couldn’t be part of that school of thought given that she was married—with two kids at that point.

But Richard’s cousin had bragged to him and a couple of other family members that they managed to convert a woman into believing that she didn’t need to stay with her husband and kids, that she apparently needed to shed this dead weight so she could move on and do better in life. And that’s what she’d done—by divorcing her husband and giving up custody of her kids so she could finally fully commit to their ideology.

She’d been bragging about the success of their group and how they’d managed to turn someone into one of them, which meant that there was definitely something powerful and compelling about their beliefs.

So Richard, out of curiosity, asked his cousin what this woman looked like because he wanted to know what kind of woman would just abandon her family because of what her new friends said—especially a married woman with two kids.

Then when his cousin pointed to Amanda in a group photo they’d taken, he put two and two together and texted me about it as soon as he left the event. This had all taken place at a family gathering of his, and once that was done he immediately asked if I was willing to meet him. Thankfully I’d said yes, so he rushed over to my apartment and spilled the beans on what had happened with Amanda.

To say I was furious would be an understatement. When I learned the real reason behind my wife’s decision to leave, she’d done this to fit into some stupid group and to be seen as a person who was brave and adventurous and all that.

She left her husband and kids behind for something like that.

When I learned the real reason behind her ridiculous behavior, I honestly felt like I would have been happier if she had just slept with another man. At least it would have been a more respectable reason to end our marriage and abandon her children. But this? Yeah, this just didn’t cut it.

I wanted to call her and curse her out, but I didn’t. Because after learning the real reason for her departure I was convinced that she was just crazy. There were no two ways about it. And there was also no point in hoping that maybe saying or doing something would make her change her mind.

It wouldn’t. I knew that now. So I just decided to make the best of my circumstances and raise my daughters to be better women than their mother had been.

I also worked harder at my own job and made sure they never felt abandoned. I hired a nanny and started working twice as hard at the office so I wouldn’t have to bring the office home with me. And as soon as I’d come back home all my time would be spent with my daughters.

My parents helped out a lot, and occasionally even my in-laws tried to help but kept it to a minimum, probably out of shame for what their daughter had done. They were the ones who were paying the child support installments every month, and I knew it, because from what I’d heard Amanda was busy blowing all her money on trips to exotic locations at high-end hotels.

Now that she had no family to think of, she could spend all her money on crap like that and nobody would bat an eye.

I raised my kids to the best of my abilities, and now I have two sweet, obedient, and adorable little girls who love me and each other. We’re all the family we need.

I’ve pretty much pushed my marriage out of my mind altogether because that was just annoying to think of. I’ve also paid my dues at work, so now I’m in a great position and earn double the amount I used to before. I’ve been doing great for the last two years and I didn’t think I had anything to worry about anymore—until last week.

Amanda finally showed up after almost 3 years of being completely AWOL.

My kids and I were at home since it was a Sunday. We have enough money to buy our own house now, but I’ve stayed in the same apartment since I really love this place and it’s convenient for the commute to work as well. Clearly, I should have moved because unfortunately, since I’d remained in the same place, Amanda knew where to find me.

She just showed up at our door randomly that day, and I think it must have knocked the wind out of me to see her after almost 3 years. Neither of us said anything for the first couple of seconds, but I took in her appearance—the crazy big bouquet of red roses she was holding and the way she was smiling with tears in her eyes.

Call me heartless, but I didn’t feel moved or emotional. I just felt pure hatred for her.

And before she could say anything, I slammed the door shut with such force that I swear I felt the floorboard shake. I told my kids to go inside because I knew she was going to try and convince me of something or the other, and I wasn’t going to keep it at peace.

All the hatred, hurt, and anger were bubbling up, and I didn’t want my kids to see whatever ugly fight was about to happen next.

Sure enough, as soon as I told my kids to leave, Amanda started whining about how this wasn’t the welcome back that she’d been expecting. I could hear that she was trying hard not to cry, but really all that did was just aggravate me even more.

She was the one who’d put me through all this crap for years, and now she had the audacity to cry and act like the victim.

She then went on to tell me that she’d come back to apologize and to say that she was sorry for all that she’d done in the past—but now she just wanted her old life back.

I was shocked, but I let her go on because a part of me wanted to hear this apology, or whatever it was supposed to be. Because it had been 3 years and I’d never had any sort of closure. I’d put it out of my mind, but seeing her again had brought it all back, and I guess in some sick way I was really relishing the opportunity to show her her place—just so she would know that we were all better off without her and nobody missed her in her absence.

She went on for a couple of minutes about how she’d had her fun in these past couple of years, but at the end of the day she’d just feel empty because she had nobody to come home to except for empty hotel rooms.

She confessed that she’d been feeling like she was missing something for the last couple of months, and she’d finally made the very difficult decision of coming back and apologizing now so she could finally make amends.

Apparently the high of traveling and exploring life with her new group of friends had worn off after the first few months, but she continued to stick to that lifestyle because she was too afraid to come back. She felt like since she’d sacrificed a lot for that life she had to fully commit to it. But now she couldn’t imagine going back and just wanted her old life back.

The more she talked, the more I felt like opening the door and punching her in her stupid face as hard as I could.

I couldn’t tolerate any more of her BS, so I told her to just leave us alone and that I didn’t want to see her or talk to her at the moment.

But Amanda being Amanda believed that she could change my mind by continuing to ramble on, standing outside the door and begging me to come back to her.

After a point, it started getting on my nerves. I also had to bring the kids out of their room so I could serve them dinner. So I just hit the door and yelled out that we’re not her family anymore, so she needed to go away now.

I think that took her in shock, because after that I didn’t hear her anymore.

As soon as I’d given the kids their dinner, I called my attorney and told him everything that had happened—just to be on the safe side. Then I called my parents and told them about Amanda’s visit, whatever she had said and then what I’d said. They reassured me that I’d done the right thing given the circumstances, and that I had nothing to worry about.

I didn’t call my in-laws because I didn’t know what to say to them about any of this, and I’m sure they’d find out later from their daughter anyway. But as soon as I was done with those calls, I received a call from Richard.

Since he’d been the one to inform me about the real reason why Amanda had left all those years ago, I answered. I had a feeling he’d tell me something about Amanda—and I was right.

As soon as I answered the call he asked me if Amanda had come around, and when I said yes, he told me that his cousin had called him up to inform him why.

Richard and I are really close friends and have always been—even apart from the situation with Amanda, where he’s been a major source of information for me regarding her thanks to his cousin.

After he told me about whatever his cousin had told him all those years ago, he told his cousin that if there was anything he found out about Amanda, he was supposed to come straight to him since I was the one she’d screwed over.

When his cousin found out about me, I guess he stopped feeling very proud of himself about converting Amanda. But I don’t blame him. I blame Amanda for being so easy to influence.

His cousin had promised us that he’d keep us updated on her and had even reached out to apologize to me one time after he learned about me. I’d forgiven him, since I never had anything against the guy, but we’re not friends or anything.

He’d tell Richard what Amanda was up to, which is how I knew what she’d been up to since she blocked me after the divorce. And so now Richard’s cousin had contacted him to tell him the truth about why exactly Amanda had returned, and he then passed on the information to me.

Their friend circle had a group text ever since they all met each other, and a couple of hours before Amanda showed up at my door she’d sent a text to the group telling everyone about what she was about to do.

The girls had been supportive, but Amanda had apparently lashed out at them for their fake support.

She told all the other girls that she felt cheated by them, since she’d left her entire life behind, but they betrayed her by getting into relationships over the years—and now she was the only fool who’d left her husband and kids behind to travel and have fun with her girls.

The other girls, who were now all dating by the way, told her that it wasn’t fair of her to expect that they’d always stick to one school of thought for their entire life—especially when they’d come up with that ideology about not being tied down and stuff back when they were in their mid-20s and were still relatively young.

But right now most of the girls were pushing 30 and didn’t want that lifestyle anymore. In fact, a couple of the girls were already in serious committed relationships that had already lasted more than a year, and one of them was even engaged.

So all that they talked a big game about back in the day had just been thrown straight out of the window. And the only person suffering now was Amanda, since she’d been the only girl stupid enough to buy into whatever rubbish these girls were spewing.

Amanda then got into a huge fight with these girls because these were the same people who had actually congratulated her when she left me. And now they were all trying to get a taste of the life that she’d left behind on purpose.

Even though the girls were still being supportive now when she told them that she wanted to go back to her old life, it wasn’t enough for her. She wanted them to apologize for making her leave her husband and her kids. That’s what their fight was about.

The other girls refused to apologize—and rightfully so. They just told her about their beliefs, but they’d never said that she needed to leave us to be part of their circle. She could have still remained friends with them. They’d never given her any ultimatum or whatever.

But it had been her own personal choice to abandon us all for the life she thought she wanted, just so she could fit in.

And she was doing the same thing yet again. Now that most of the girls were in relationships, she felt the pressure to fit in yet again—and that’s why she’d come back to us. Not out of any sense of duty, or because she felt empty like she told me. Maybe that could have been part of the reason, but it wasn’t the whole reason.

When I heard about all of this from Richard, my blood boiled.

I’d felt a little guilty for turning her away, and that’s why I’d called my parents for reassurance. Had I known these things before she came by, then she would have really received the bashing of a lifetime from me.

But Richard’s cousin had been extremely busy with work at the time all these things were being discussed in their group text, and he hadn’t checked his phone. So he didn’t know. When he did find out after work, he told Richard about it as soon as he could, and then Richard called me to tell me about it. So I ended up finding out after Amanda had already visited and we talked.

However, now that I knew what she was really here for, I also made up my mind that I wouldn’t let her come back at any cost—and neither would I feel bad about it.

She’d never ever felt bad about the things that she’d done and put me and her kids through. So I didn’t see the need for me to feel so guilty about it either. She was just a terrible person, period, and this was the way it was going to be.

So I steeled myself for her next attempt to try and come back. But it never happened.

For the next couple of days I didn’t hear from her. And even though I told Richard to ask his cousin about her, he told me that he had no idea what Amanda had been up to either, since she blocked all the guys from the group after that fight—even Richard’s cousin.

It was a bigger issue for me now, since if Richard’s cousin was blocked it meant that I’d have no way of being in the loop regarding what she was going to do next. Amanda was the kind of girl who discusses something as small and insignificant as buying a shoe with other people before she actually goes through with it.

So of course she’d discuss everything with her friends before actually doing anything. But now that Richard’s cousin was blocked, I had no way of knowing anything.

Naturally, when my in-laws called me 3 days ago, I was caught completely off guard and didn’t know what to expect.

They told me that they were calling to discuss what I’d said

to Amanda the other day when she’d come to visit me and make things right with me. I told them that I didn’t want her back, and it was just as simple as that.

But they went on to tell me that they continued to pay child support and had made sure that their grandkids grew up well, so I had no right to say that this wasn’t her family anymore.

We got into a verbal spat over it, because they were actually defending her, and then I ended up hanging up on them.

I’ve been thinking about it, but I can’t even begin to fathom how exactly I’m in the wrong here. I just don’t think that’s the case.

But my in-laws were right that they’d held up their end of the agreement, and Amanda still has visitation rights. She’s just not used them in a while.

I don’t understand what to do right now. On one hand I really do wish for my kids to have a mother, even though I know I’m enough for them at the moment. But I don’t want to deprive her of anything. I don’t even know if it’s legally my place yet.

I just can’t figure out what to do right now, and my kids are honestly all that I’m thinking of at the moment.

Am I the asshole for telling my ex-wife that my kids and I are not her family anymore after she left us behind for 3 years?

Hi, thank you for all the comments and help.

I’ve decided that I’m going to appeal and get the custody arrangement changed so she doesn’t have visitation rights either. I don’t know if I’ll succeed or not, but it’s worth a try.

It’s been 2 days since I posted here, and that’s the advice that most of you guys had for me, so I’m doing that. And my parents agree with it too.

Paying child support just meant that Amanda and her parents had held up the legal end of the arrangement. But everything else was all me. I’d raised my kids while she had her fun with the girls.

She doesn’t get to pick and choose when she can be a part of our lives and be with us on her terms.

I filed for termination of Amanda’s parental rights earlier today, and I really, really regret not having done so sooner.

I should have done it as soon as she stopped coming around to see the kids after the first couple of months when she left us the first time. But oh well—better late than never.

A lot of people here had a lot to say about me making this move, but I take my words back about not depriving my kids of a mother. They never had a present mom in the first place.

And there’s no telling if Amanda might want to take off someday again. She was absent for 3 years. So now she can take a permanent leave from being a parent and go do whatever it is that she wants to do—but not at the cost of my emotions or my kids’ well-being.

That’s not okay with me. And I really don’t think I’m depriving my kids of anything at all since they never had a mother anyway, so it’s not like they’re going to miss her.

So I didn’t manage to get her rights terminated altogether, but at least now she can only meet the kids as long as the visits are supervised by me. At least that’s something, and she can’t just push us around anymore.

If she can prove to the court that she’s capable and fit to be a consistent mother, then maybe we can renegotiate this arrangement sometime. But as of now, this is the best that she can get out of us.

As for me—she’s not getting back with me ever, and that’s non-negotiable.

After the court hearing, when she tried to talk to me again, I snapped at her and finally told her that I knew all about her pathetic need to fit in with her friends. I told her that she could go marry them instead, because I’m done. And if she wasn’t the mother of my kids, then I probably wouldn’t even have spit on someone like her.

Then I walked off with the kids and left her and her parents staring at me open-mouthed, which was pretty damn satisfying.

Anyway, that’s how it is now. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m glad that this all worked out well for the children at least. They’re my only concern.

So now, if Amanda can become a responsible mother and finally step up as a mom, then maybe my kids won’t have to go through life without a mom, and maybe they won’t have to learn to shave from online tutorials.

But if she tries anything even remotely funny ever again, then she’ll have hell to pay for it. She’s messed with my head enough as it is, but she’s not going to put our kids through anything of the sort to accept and endure.