My wife was recently contacted by her ex-boyfriend over a past work project they used to work on, and she became interested in it again. I’ve grown a bit nervous about their reconnection because my wife previously cheated on her ex-husband to be with this ex, and I don’t want that happening to me.

Posted by u/throwerCrocker

Hello everyone. Let me first start by saying that my wife (41F) and I (44M) are very open—maybe way too open—about our past and past partners and all that. She is my second wife. My first wife was big on fidelity and we broke up over her cheating. My first wife and I share a son. My current wife also has a daughter of her own from a previous marriage. We’ve been married for five years, and our little blended family works well together.

As I mentioned earlier, we are perhaps too open about our past relationships. Her first husband was a serial cheater. He was a musician and slept around with women from his gigs. She stumbled onto his emails and learned that he was involved with five other women, one of whom he’d gotten pregnant. Not wanting their child to grow up in a broken home, she tried to save the relationship and reached out to one of her old internet friends for advice.

We’ll call him Chris (36M). The two had been friends for seven years up until that point, but had never met. They were writing partners. In fact, before they lost contact, they had been writing a novel together. She tells me that when she reached out for support, he was very kind and had actually been recommending a lot of ways to get past infidelity or what she should speak to an attorney about. In general, he was just being a good friend.

Somewhere in that process, they decided to revisit writing their book again. According to her, they would casually flirt, but since they lived on opposite sides of the country, they had no means to act on it. During all this, she decided her marriage was dead and stopped trying to fix things. She checked out, I guess. She and Chris expressed mutual attraction, and by the end of the year, he flew out to meet her. She filed for divorce right after the affair became physical, and Chris moved later that year to be with her.

To make a long story short, her daughter, who was only five at the time, didn’t really take to him. She says he didn’t do anything wrong. The child just wasn’t adjusting properly after the divorce and didn’t like somebody replacing her father. My wife told him they needed to take a break because of this and also because he’s a bit crass sometimes. She had only intended for it to be a short break, but he was apparently so hurt that he had moved that far only to be turned away two months in, and so he broke it off entirely.

After months had gone by, they reconnected to try to finish their book. They began sleeping together again during this time, but it was just a physical thing. They came close to finishing the book, but she started dating me. Because of that, they stopped sleeping together. She felt weird about having an ex hanging around once she got into a committed relationship. And so, by her own admission, she stopped returning his emails with the same frequency. These emails were all book-related. She also stopped working on it on her end so much. He grew frustrated after a few months of this and blocked her on everything.

Which finally brings us to a month ago. After four or five years of no contact, he messaged her out of the blue. He had contracted COVID and nearly died. Chris contacted her because apparently during that time apart, he rewrote the book without her contributions, managed to get it published, wrote and published a sequel, and released his work. It had come very close to being unfinished if he had died. He wanted to make it known that if something should happen to him, he wanted the rights to the project turned over to her since she knows how it will end and helped create the story.

That actually sounds nice. But then they got to talking. He is apparently writing a comic adaptation and he invited her to come on board for it. He has a lot of the art done, and she was very excited. She showed me and explained who all the characters were, their backstories, what she thinks he got wrong in the design. She also read the first book and told me which names he changed, what characters were and weren’t in their version, and the plot differences. She seems to be having a lot of fun with it.

I knew they wrote together. She has mentioned it before, but I had no idea they had created this whole universe. I can tell it was something that was really important to her. She seems like she might take him up on the offer, and this worries me. Every time they have worked on something in the past, it has led to sex. There is also a bit of sexual content in their writing. I’m not the jealous type, and I certainly don’t want to step on a dream she had buried, but I don’t want a repeat of history.

I’ll admit, I decided to snoop on their conversation. While he seems like he’s been on the level and is only really discussing the project, she’s pressing for information on his personal life. I wouldn’t say it’s in a flirty way, but she asked him if he’s seeing anyone now. When he answered no, saying he’s too busy and that relationships just get in the way, she told him he needs to get back out there. She said that celibacy isn’t a good look on him.

We’re pretty open about our past sex lives, so I know her ex-husband was terrible at it. Once, when she was drunk, she said of Chris, “Don’t let a great f convince you it’ll be a great relationship.”

How the hell do I proceed? I know she was emotionally broken by her ex-husband, and that’s why she cheated, but she did cheat with this man. I’ve met him. He seems like a level-headed guy, but they have a history that tells me something might happen. I want to approach my wife with my concerns, but I don’t want to seem like an overbearing, controlling person. I want her to have her creative outlet because she glows in a way I’ve never seen before when she talks about this book I barely knew anything about. It feels like it’s something that was deeply important to her and that she forced herself not to care about it. I want that for her, but I don’t want their interactions to escalate into something more like they have three times already.

Top/relevant comments

Commenter: “I would say a very acceptable boundary to draw is: I’m not okay with you making a book with the guy you left your last husband for.”

OP’s response context: Her ex-husband cheated and the relationship was a walking corpse for the last six months, with Chris showing up in the last month. Because of my ex-wife, I really don’t like cheaters in general, but it’s fairly easy to rationalize why she did it. It doesn’t bring much comfort, though, when it’s literally the same guy.

Commenter: “Creating a book together involves a very close, professional relationship. Sure, she can say that it’s totally over between him and her, but the issue is: are you going to be 100% okay with that? Do you feel like you’re going to worry about their frequent messages and whether their relationship is staying professional? If you two have a fight, are you going to be upset if she goes and works on their book together? There are a lot of messy factors involved in this. If you have an issue with it, that’s okay. This isn’t just some guy she used to be writing partners with. It’s a guy she had an intense sexual relationship with. Once you cross a line with someone, sometimes you can’t walk it back. You and she have to realize that collaborating with an ex-partner is a big ask. And if she didn’t think to ask if you’re okay with it first, that’s a bit scary.”

OP’s response: I mean, add to that the fact that some of the writing is pretty sexual. One thing I plan to say is that I’m really, really not comfortable with her writing sex. She hasn’t agreed to work with him on it. She just seems excited to see the project actually released. She’s even slightly mad at him for doing it since she thought they had agreed to abandon it. I’ve never wronged her in a serious way. Her ex-husband kind of knew that she was cheating, but as he was basically unemployed and might have had difficulty staying in the country if they divorced, and since he had also been cheating on her, he just let it go. She’s had one night where she spent a couple of hours chatting with Chris, but since then things have been normal. She explained the situation with her ex-husband—that she talked with Chris for several hours every night—and her ex-husband, for self-preservation, didn’t confront her over it. If she starts behaving in that way, I’ll be worried. But that hasn’t been the case.

Commenter two: “You tell her that you are not okay with her having contact with her former affair partner and that it will be the end of the family if she proceeds. You should not have to sit there watching and worrying, wondering what is going on between them. It is completely antithetical to any reasonable concept of marriage.”

OP’s response: I think that’s a little unfair, to be honest. I think with clear boundaries and the fact that we don’t live anywhere near him, it’s safe to say nothing will happen. When he messaged her, she came straight to me and let me read his initial message, and there wasn’t any trace of him trying to be seedy. The contents were him apologizing for ghosting her four to five years ago, mentioning that he finished two books in their trilogy, that he nearly died from COVID and it made him realize he wanted the story to go to her in the event he died because rightfully 50% should be hers anyway. His message included a whole bunch of anime-commissioned art of their characters and was asking if she’d be interested in helping him write the adaptation into a graphic novel. She won’t work with him without my say-so. And if it’s just that and they are a country apart, I’m not really too worried anymore that stuff will happen.

Update — One week later

A few people suggested I post this here as well. My wife’s ex-boyfriend reemerged in her life, asking to work on a mutual writing project that she abandoned years ago and that he’s achieving financial success with now.

I don’t know who this woman is. The level of deception is so involved and deliberate that I’m hardly capable of comprehending that I’ve spent the last six years of my life with this person.

I decided to sit down with her and talk about how I felt about the situation—that I was happy she rediscovered her old writing—and expressed that it would be cool for her to explore that as a hobby or a profession, as she’s quite good at it and clearly enjoys it. At the time, she agreed and said that Chris, her ex, being around wouldn’t be a good thing, saying she was worried that he might be using this as a ploy to talk with her again. When she said these things, I was like, “Okay, cool. She has the same misgivings I do, and she’s not minimizing my feelings or calling me controlling. In fact, we’re on the same page.”

Oh, how wrong I was. That conversation should have been the end of it, but for some reason, my brain started getting weird, and I began thinking it was going too well.

Yesterday morning, when she got in the shower, I took her phone and went into it. His number was there, and their entire conversation had been deleted. It hadn’t been three days prior. Red flags.

Checked Facebook Messenger. She’s talking about her upcoming trip for work, which takes her to Vegas. Well, apparently this two-day-long thing has been cancelled due to COVID, but she’s been telling me she’s going. They are discussing a hotel a town over and staying there, as well as sending each other other people’s vacation photos of Vegas, so she’ll have stuff to show if I ask. She’s talking about restaurants they can go to, how there will be a full moon when he’s here, and how it would look great on the beach.

Oh, yeah. And he’s not on the East Coast as he presented. He moved back to town recently since the prick actually has enough money to live here. He showed her on Google Maps where he’s living, and it’s taking everything I have not to drive my truck straight into his living room. A month ago, she claimed that she had to pick up her brother from the airport. Nope, that was him. The messages don’t go back much further than that, but they referenced talking about stuff during the years they supposedly haven’t had contact.

One line I read that he wrote has my heart racing with such effing madness. It’s from him: “Yeah, we’re just friends. I don’t see you in eight years and I’m inside you twenty minutes off the plane. Best friends, maybe.”

So, she’s not just planning to f him. She’s been doing it for months. That trip to her mother’s a few weeks back where she stayed the night? Yeah.

I haven’t confronted her yet, but her smile fills me with so much hate now. I’m going to try my best to hold back on saying anything until after Christmas. The kids don’t need the holiday being a constant reminder of this. But honestly, I’m probably going to snap and confront her today or tomorrow because my ability to swallow this BS with a smile is almost impossible. Honestly, I’ll be lucky if I can avoid taking a bath with the toaster. I’m losing my mind right now.

Top/relevant comments

Commenter: “When I first read your post, I instantly thought her precious relationship story is full of crap and she’s probably the serial cheat. Glad my gut is always right. Their relationship didn’t work out because he didn’t want to play daddy to her child. That’s why she’s stringing you along. I’m sorry. Finish her in the courtroom.”

OP’s response: Her daughter has a mean streak. I know how to deal with it because I’ve got my own. But in his words, “I didn’t get this far and live this long for a six-year-old to tell me what I’m doing with my day. Because of this, he won’t take her on full time, and I don’t want her. So, enjoy the gutter, woman.”

Commenter: “And what about her biological father? Do you have any contact with her ex? I truly believe she demonized her ex to look good because that’s the tactic a lot of serial cheats use. I don’t believe he was the cheater she painted him out to be. Maybe compare stories and use him as a character witness because she will go nuclear when you lawyer up. All cheats do.”

OP’s response: He is a cheater. They got into a huge fight around her daughter’s birthday because he casually joked about cheating on her, and I heard it from his mouth. It’s not a case of either-or. They’re both just piles of crap.

Commenter two: “Just remember the courts are highly biased against men. I’ve worked in law offices that handle divorces and I can say with certainty that there is a strong bias. You can’t afford to lose your temper at all because anything you say in anger is going to sound a million times worse than what she has done. Keep a level head and play the long game.”

OP’s response: I’m not the screaming, raging type, and I’m recording everything. Since I’m hyper-aware of myself in front of cameras, I’ll be more cordial than normal, not giving her the chance to villainize me.

Commenter three: “I always worry about posters who go in for the kill, angry as hounds from hell, because more often than not, they just end up caving once the Niagara Falls start. A steady stream of crocodile tears over the weeks and months is enough to melt them into accepting that the affair partner didn’t mean anything, it is you that I truly love, and before we know it, they’re trying to make it work. Time and time again. Needless to say, do not beat this guy. You don’t need a police record, and it’s better for your kid if his daddy is not in jail. Buy a punching bag and vent your rage on it. Work on setting up the mailing package for her family and friends. Make sure you delete and blur the naughty parts, nipples, and nether regions so you don’t get arrested for revenge porn. Don’t kiss her ever again. You know where that mouth has been.”

OP’s response: Not going to happen. I’ve been cheated on before in a circumstance where today I feel it could have worked out. My ex-wife got drunk at a party and slept with some random guy. She rushed to tell me what happened and apologized in tears. That, in my older age, might be something I would consider forgiving and working through, but I didn’t. If I didn’t give the first wife slack for a drunken mishap, I’m definitely not tolerating this BS.

OP adds an edit to his post: I’m gathering info, pics, and screenshots of her location, and I’m speaking with a lawyer tomorrow.

OP adds a second edit to his post: I’ve met with my brother’s divorce attorney, and we’re making plans. I am documenting everything—all texts, her location, where she’s claiming to go. I’m confronting her on the 2nd of next month after she goes to the hotel with him. I’m making sure I have my ducks in a row, and I’m trying not to ruin Christmas forever for the kids.

OP adds a third edit to his post: The wave of suicidal thoughts has passed, and I thank everyone who left kind messages for me. They really got me over the hump.

OP adds a fourth edit to his post: I’d like to thank everyone who offered advice when I first posted this yesterday. It helped keep my mind away from darker places and it gave my hands something to do. I’ve been talking with my brother for support and I have continued to monitor their communications. She noticed me acting different and I told her it was just me having the blues over the anniversary of my aunt’s death. That was enough, so she didn’t start realizing I know all I know. I spent three hours today in my car outside of a McDonald’s using their Wi-Fi to access her emails. They’re using Yahoo Messenger to communicate. She’s on this with her tits out and a ton of pics, all of which I’m saving. Real cute. There’s one with her posed with the flowers I got her for her birthday. They’ve been texting since like March.

Some select quotes from her:

“I can’t just start talking about the book all the time. I talked about you twice when he and I got together. If I started talking about you and the book a lot now, he’s going to think something is up.”

“You need to shave because that stubble is like knives. Almost had to put chapstick on my chin and under my nose from him.”

“You’re getting it right before you leave here. I want him to kiss you after you spent the afternoon swallowing me.”

Honestly, my compulsion not to beat this man to death is strong. I won’t do it, but the fact that he’s so purposefully vicious is making me want to wear his teeth as a necklace.

Second update — One week later

A heads up: I began writing this the day it happened, and I’m not rewriting it. So, if some of my feelings don’t reflect exactly what my comments were saying in the last couple of days, that’s why. I’ve got some work to do today, so I might not respond to anything for quite some time. I never want to go through anything like this ever again. This was the single most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do, and I’m twitching like a tweaker every so often now.

She left for either work or Chris’s today—not really sure where she went, but she was gone. Tried to check her location and either she turned off locations or my phone was giving me issues. I didn’t have the means to serve her. That comes later this week, but I had to confront her before she realized what I was doing so she wouldn’t have any more time to formulate some working lies.

Heard my garage door opening and turned the camera on. She comes in completely oblivious. I tell her she ought to sit down because we’ve got to talk. Deer-in-the-headlights look, but she sits down and asks me what’s wrong.

I ask, “Why don’t you tell me?” She plays dumb, but I see she knows she’s been found out. She asks me again what’s wrong. I ask her what’s really up with Chris. She says nothing. She hasn’t heard from him.

I redirect and decide not to confront her as directly and tell her that I’m uncomfortable with her working with him and that it’s not something I can get past. She’s 100% instantly agreeable and asks me very nervously why I changed my mind so quickly and why I’m acting the way I am. I just shake my head and say something like, “I wanted to be understanding about it, but I got weird vibes from him and I’d prefer you two wouldn’t talk.”

She insists that he doesn’t mean anything to her anymore, that she was just happy to see the book get made. I told her that he basically stole from her, and she’s being way too understanding about that fact—that she ought to sue him over it—and she agrees with me. By now, she’s probably thinking she got out of this and is going to break it off with Chris the minute she gets a second to do so.

But then I tell her the whole thing has really stressed me out and I’m going to take next week off work. I tell her that I talked with my son’s mother and she agreed to keep my son that weekend so I could go to Vegas with her. That’s why I was talking to my son’s mother for so long the other day—working out the details of her taking my son. Or at least that’s what I’d have her think.

Deadpan stare. I start talking about how COVID has shut down a lot of stuff and I’m not even sure what’s open in Vegas. She cuts me off and tells me that it was actually cancelled today.

The conversation from here on goes like this (paraphrased, of course):

Me: “It got cancelled last month.”

Her: “No, he told us today because he wasn’t sure whether or not it was off until today.”

Me: “I know it got cancelled last month.”

Her: “What are you doing? Why are you telling me you want to go and then telling me it’s cancelled? I don’t get what you’re doing.”

Me: “It was cancelled last month. What were you going to do if I didn’t ask about it?”

Her: “You’re freaking me out. It was cancelled today.”

Me: “What were you going to do in [town name]” (where her hotel is).

Her: “What are you accusing me of?”

Me: “How long have you and Chris been back together?”

Her: “We haven’t done anything. Did he tell you we were?”

Me: “Don’t lie to me. I don’t want to read off everything he texted. It almost made me throw up doing it the first time. I can’t believe you’d do this.”

Her: “I love you. I’m sorry. He’s been texting me a lot lately and saying a lot of messed-up stuff, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I wanted to tell you this, but I was afraid you’d do what you’re doing now. I was just hoping he’d stop on his own.”

Me: “You didn’t see him for eight years, and twenty minutes after he got off the plane, you had sex with him.”

Her: “What plane? What are you reading?”

Me: “He lives on [street name]. You want to stop this? Just admit what you did so we can move forward with this. Why did you tell me he lived on the East Coast?”

Her: “Did he say something to you? He lies constantly. It’s part of the reason why we broke up. I told you that. I knew I shouldn’t have responded to his messages. It’s always drama with him. All his messages were fine, but he started with the ‘missing me’ stuff again like always. I was going to tell you.”

Me: “He wanted you to come home and kiss me after you were going down on him. I read your messages. I saw them in your email and in your texts. You’re cheating on me and I want you out of this house today.”

Her: “What? I’m not cheating on you. If you don’t want him around, I’ll tell him to get lost. But honey, I’m not cheating on you. Is that what he told you? He’s lying.”

Me: “Stop it. I told you I went in your messages on your phone. You’re going to get your stuff and you’re going to go to your parents. I made copies of your emails and screenshots from your texts. I don’t want to show them what you two say to each other, but if you’re going to keep lying to my face, I will. We’re done. Go get your stuff.”

She tried, even in the face of all that, to play stupid and lie. But finally, tired of it, I broke out my copies of their texts and handed them to her. She looked at them for two seconds and then broke down crying hard. I’ve never seen her this devastated by anything. I even felt bad for her for a little while.

She said she was sorry, that it got out of hand and she wanted to put the brakes on it, but he had gotten possessive and was threatening to expose her if she ended it with him. I told her that none of that was in their texts and that she’s still lying to me. She was going to go off and spend the weekend with him. She then told me it’s done between them and she’ll make him go away. She won’t ever talk to him again.

I told her I don’t care what she does, but I’ve been talking to a lawyer and the divorce papers will be ready soon. At this point, she explodes and repeats, “You’ve been talking to a lawyer?” like four or five times, and honestly, I was ready to call the cops because she’s closing in on me and really screaming now. I tell her to calm down, that I have a camera going. She then continues to break down and doesn’t resemble anyone I’ve ever met before.

She kept saying stuff like, “You just planned all this out. Smiling to my face, just planning this all out.” Every time she said that, I responded with the same, “Well, look at what you’ve been planning and smiling to my face while you’re out doing sex.”

I asked her why she’d do this to us, and at first, she couldn’t give me a straight answer. She tried to tell me it was meaningless sex, so I responded with, “Oh, so you ruined us for no reason then. That’s great.”

After a bit, she sort of got quieter, and I don’t know if she was being honest or just trying to hurt me, but apparently she really messed up with him in her eyes. She called him her soulmate, and I nearly started breaking stuff. I asked her why she just didn’t ditch me for him in the beginning. I would have understood then, and she said she just needed to get away from him because she knew how bad she’d look to her family if she brought him back around. Apparently, they didn’t like him either.

She also said that she could never and can never actually be with him because her ex and daughter would fight her on this. So, going back to him legitimately was never an option. She then said she was sorry and seemed to be in disbelief with how final I was with everything. She told me how much of a mistake it was, how much she would change, and that she would do whatever I wanted her to just to fix the situation.

I told her no. She then told me we weren’t getting a divorce because she could make amends for this. I told her there was nothing she could do to earn my forgiveness. I will not forgive this ever, and somehow she had the gall to be shocked by this.

I told her I had opened an account in another bank and moved half from the joint account into it this morning, and that the rest is hers. She can either get it herself or I can get it for her, but the account is getting closed. She just nodded along and said we’d probably both have to go to the bank together to close it. She went and started packing her clothes up peacefully, crying a little and, oddly enough, making threats every so often that she had better not have anything missing.

I let it roll off my shoulder and told her to take pics of how she left her things and her daughter’s things so when she comes back she’ll see I didn’t touch anything. Her folks had been contacted and they’re in disbelief. They’re both surprised that Chris is even a factor in any of this and spent time apologizing to me, and soon after she was out of my house.

The next day, my soon-to-be ex hit my phone with so many “I love you. I’m sorry. We can fix this” texts that I contemplated flushing my phone. I wanted to just turn it off, but my son’s mother had my son, so I needed it on just in case of an emergency or a change in plans for when he was coming home. So, I just started responding to her texts by sending screenshots of the worst parts of their conversation and saying nothing of my own.

My son’s mother returned with my son and brought dinner from my favorite Chinese place. I didn’t give my son the exact reason when I told him, but he asked flat out whether she cheated because it was so sudden, and I told him he was right without elaborating. They stayed for a while before returning home. And I’ve just been kind of floating around the house, trying to keep it together. It’s like two or three days since I began writing this and I’m off to the gym and then my lawyers.

This thing is already way too long and things are updating so rapidly that I could be typing forever and never finish. My soon-to-be ex’s ex-husband is going to come by and collect his daughter’s things. And I’ll explain to her the best I can that if she ever needs me, I’m just a phone call away. I’m also contemplating telling her ex that she ran around with Chris on him as well because she said many times he doesn’t know. But maybe I won’t. That accomplishes nothing really.

Anyway, the first fight has been fought, and it looks like I’m winning as much as one can win given the circumstances. Part of me wants to confront Chris, but I’m smart enough to know that would be a waste of time and energy. Time better spent working, hitting the gym, or finding some way to thank my son’s mother for being an absolute MVP in my corner through this.

Anyway, that’s all I got for now. Sorry if this is disjointed, but it’s taken me a couple days to write, and of course, developments keep happening.

Top/relevant comments

Commenter: “She said she was sorry that it got out of hand and she wanted to put the brakes on it, but he had gotten possessive and was threatening to expose her if she ended it with him. Wow, she lies once. That doesn’t work, resorts to lie number two. That doesn’t work. Gets further into hot water. Tries even more stupid lies with a third attempt. Gets confronted with hard evidence and even tries to lie harder when shown that. Wow. One has to wonder just how much of anything that has ever come out of her mouth has ever been truthful. Someone willing to put that much effort into digging herself into a huge hole with compounding lie after compounding lie is someone who has had lots of practice lying her face off in all parts of her life. Sounds to me like she’s irredeemable.”

OP’s response: She was grasping at everything at once, hoping something would stick.

Commenter two: “She tells you he is her soulmate, then thinks things can continue with you. ‘I can’t be with him because people don’t like him, but I love him, so we’re still good, right?’ Wow.”

OP’s response: Soulmate. These two are soul-dead.

Third update — Three months later

Just before Christmas last year, a little over two months ago, I discovered that my wife had been cheating on me with an old boyfriend. They had planned a romantic weekend together, which I ruined for them when I confronted her. This will be long.

So, as an update, I’ve mostly gone no contact with my soon-to-be ex. I tried just communicating with her through my lawyer if we had a real reason to talk, but that made me feel like a child avoiding confrontation, even if that wasn’t the case, and I decided to speak with her myself a few times. If you’ve been following the lengthy comment streams from my previous posts, you already know what was discussed, but I’ll write everything here as if it’s the first time I’m doing it.

My soon-to-be ex was all over the place at first with how she talked about Chris. One minute he was her soulmate and the one that got away; the next he was a predator who would not leave her alone. Our family and friends have all heard the truth by now and most of them have taken my side on the matter. Given the details I provided in my lengthy Facebook post, there was little room to side with her anyway.

She since moved in with her parents for the time being, and I remained in my home. It was acquired many years before I even met her, so that’s not even an issue divorce-wise. Strangely enough, Chris, the affair partner, decided to write me this huge harangue of a letter. For what reason, God only knows. I got the impression from it that she must have dumped him in anger shortly after I gave her the boot, because it’s laden with stuff like, “We were repairing our relationship when you stole her from me. I’ve loved her for X amount of years, so don’t post stuff online about how I’m a cheat.”

It really made me see red, and I wanted to do the man some serious physical harm, but once again, I saw reason.

Life has been pretty lonely in this house since she and my stepdaughter moved out. The stepdaughter’s room is still empty, and I have to keep the door closed because seeing it empty always hurts me, and I can’t bring myself to do anything with it yet. She has a father, and he’s a good dad, and because of him, I still see her once during the week. I take her for bike rides, or we go grab something to eat together. I asked her once if she felt comfortable eating at my house, and the poor thing just started crying. She loves her grandparents, but doesn’t like living with them, so she’s been spending more time with her father.

Her old man has invited me over a couple of times for a beer. We’ve had a few conversations about our mutual ex and Chris. I think I mentioned in the comments on my last post that he knew the entire time she was cheating on him.

I see my son and my son’s mother a lot more now. One of my weekdays lines up with their schedule, so I’ll stop in for dinner, and I’ve been keeping him an extra day on my weekends. She generally joins us for dinner on Friday night. I’ve asked my son if he wants to talk about how he feels concerning my upcoming divorce, and he’s not saying it directly, but he’s hurting. The first couple of times he just got this far-off stare and said he didn’t want to even think about her and that he loved her and didn’t expect her of all people to do this to him. And it really hit me when he said that.

We always think about how someone’s affair affects us like it’s an act of malice against us. But what she did to me, coming from him, hurt more than anything she could have ever done to me. I’ve discussed therapy with him and his mom, but he insists he’s all right, and if he feels he can’t handle it, he’ll talk to us. He’s a mature kid and I trust his judgment. He’s usually pretty upfront with how he’s doing. He and I actually, for the first time in private, discussed the divorce between his mother and me and the reasons behind it. I really didn’t want to at first, as he is currently raging about adultery and he has a great relationship with his mom, but he was asking about it. So, I opted for polite honesty. I told him his mother hurt me just as much, but what she did was just a very poor choice and that I’m not upset about it anymore, but it took a while.

Speaking of my son’s mother, she’s had my back through much of this. She’s pretty much the reason I started having dinner with them one night during the week and keeping my son longer, because she insists I’ll do better not being constantly alone in that house. A lot of people have suggested that she and I reunite. If I were to ever come to that decision, I would want to wait until I’ve done some therapy sessions—perhaps couples therapy—if she were anywhere in this ballpark.

We did briefly discuss our own divorce and the infidelity that led to it. I’ve moved past it and don’t feel too fazed by it anymore, but she talks about it like she just got caught. It’s not the first time I’ve done so, but I told her that I forgive her for it. I even added this time that, giving more consideration to how she described the encounter, it’s likely she was preyed on by some creep because she had too much to drink. This wasn’t a guy she knew very well and had only seen around her place of work a few times. If I’m remembering this right, he either didn’t work in her area or worked at a separate location. In either case, she has literally not seen him since a few days after it happened.

It’s a little tough thinking about that, too. Because even though it doesn’t bother me on a regular basis anymore, the fact of the matter is, I was really loving my life up until she broke the bad news to me. The soon-to-be ex kind of smoothed things over for me when that relationship started. But once again, right as I’m feeling like my life is great and I’m happy, infidelity messes that up for me. Kind of makes me really unwilling to even consider another relationship if this is what all my time and effort lead to.

All that said, I’m taking a trip to Disney World this July to try and wash my mind of all this. Originally, it was supposed to be me, my son’s mother, and my son. But I’ve managed to talk the soon-to-be ex into allowing my stepdaughter to come along so she won’t feel excluded. She’ll probably just use the time to bang her next unfortunate soul, but that’s not my problem anymore.

Top/relevant comments

Commenter: “I feel sorry for your stepdaughter, especially the part when you said she started crying. It’s a shame cheaters are so selfish they never consider everyone who is affected by their backstabbing actions. Does the ex still want to reconcile?”

OP’s response: My soon-to-be ex tried to ask for reconciliation and kept doing so until I stopped answering my phone. My son’s mother hasn’t said she wants to—if she does want to.

Commenter two: “Tell her you were considering reconciliation until Chris sent you that letter and that it showed reconciliation can never happen. Really? Screw Chris over in her eyes.”

OP’s response: I don’t even know if that would do anything to her at all. I have all the usual notions like wanting to ask her why she did this to me and actually get a real honest answer. But that’s only the emotional child in me screaming for answers to questions that don’t even matter anymore.

OP when asked about the relationship with his stepdaughter and son’s mother going forward: My stepdaughter is always going to be my princess. I don’t care what I’ve got to do. I will find ways to let her know she’s loved. I feel so terrible for her, too, and for everyone else involved in this mess. My mother, an elderly woman who has never had a bad word to say about anyone, randomly told me when I was taking her grocery shopping that if my soon-to-be ex-wife was there with us, she’d strangle her. She was dead serious, too.

To see someone as kind and sweet as my mom talk like this hurts. I couldn’t f my ex-wife. I respect her way too much for that, and she wouldn’t go for it either. More than that, I don’t know if it was the cheating that did it or me getting married to another woman, but I kind of stopped seeing her as a sexual being. The affection and care I have for her now feels more like how you’d love a close family member.

OP, in another comment: I forgot to mention she asked if she still calls me Dad. I have to admit that ripped my heart out. Like—absolutely, whatever you want to call me, I’ll be honored.

More on his son’s mother: Here’s the thing with my first wife. What she did hurt me a lot, but we’ve been friends—or at least have known each other—since school, and we were regular friends for several years before we started dating. After a few years of being mad at her and brokenhearted over it, we just kind of phased back into the kind of friends we were before we dated and married. We’re less like bitter divorce co-parents and more like two friends who happen to have the same boy. I can’t speak for her, but for me, it’s mostly just a feeling of friendship.

Sometimes I get a tugging feeling like she’s hoping I’ll say something or hoping I’ll open a door. For my part, I sometimes feel exceedingly guilty, weird as that sounds. The happiest moments of my life were with her and my son in our first place together. So sometimes when I see her, I still see her like back then. It’s complicated. The plan is to stay single and work on myself. I’m attributing this mushy sort of feeling toward my first wife to my brain looking for something to grab onto because being alone does suck in a lot of ways. She is a good friend, a good mom, and that is the way it stays until I consider myself fully in control of my life again. I’ve got too much work in reality to run off into fantasy world.

Fourth update — One month, two weeks later

Hello again, everyone. It’s about six months since my first post on here. In short, out of the blue one day, my wife of five years claimed that an ex-boyfriend she used to write with suddenly appeared again, wanting to know if she could work on an old mutual project with him. Well, as you might have guessed, she was having an affair that had gone on for quite a long time. Their dirty emails to each other disgusted me as they were extremely, almost intentionally hurtful. It wasn’t bad enough that she cheated on me, but he even said he wanted her to go home and greet me filled with him, so to speak.

I held myself together for the kids for Christmas. She has a daughter and I have a son. I confronted her, threw her out, and went as no contact as I possibly could. Her affair partner, Chris, sent me a few messages after the fact, claiming that I had no reason to be upset because in his eyes, I stole her from him. He had been holding this one-sided grudge for the last five years and talked as if we had been enemies for quite some time.

In short, my soon-to-be ex-wife’s family never approved of him, so she dumped him. She went on to claim they were soulmates, and that’s why she couldn’t turn him away.

Well, I’ve been keeping up with my health, working out, and continuing to work from home, though that will be over soon. I’ve kept contact with my stepdaughter through her grandparents and her biological father—whom she also cheated on with this man, though he has cheated on my soon-to-be ex-wife multiple times. He is an all-right guy to have a beer with, and for all his faults, he seems like a good dad. I see her twice a week now, never overnight. And even still, I have kept her former room empty because it’s too depressing for me to consider doing anything else with it. She has been my princess, and she’s always excited when she comes to visit or when I show up to take her to dinner or for bike rides.

After a bit, my son decided that he thought he could benefit from therapy and has been seeing a doctor. His mother—my first wife—and I have been keeping a close eye on him, as he was pretty close to his stepmother. She has tried to contact him and apologize, but he doesn’t want to speak to her. He began getting impulsive and had bouts of angry outbursts unrelated to her, and it was then that I asked him if he thought he might do well with therapy. He told me how betrayed he felt by what she had done, that he hated her, he missed his stepsister, and he wanted everything to just be erased.

I really felt for him. I don’t think we have talked heart-to-heart or hugged one another in our entire lives more than we have in the past few months. His mother has really been at my side through most of this, and we’ve gotten a lot closer, too. At first, she was inviting me over for dinner a couple of days a week because she thought it was unhealthy for me to spend so much time alone in an empty house. I’m around steadily more now, and many nights a week, we eat dinner like a family. My folks and her folks have both taken notice of this and have been asking us whether or not—seeing as things are going so well—we would consider reconciling.

We said we are both happy with things as they are, but knowing everyone is talking about us makes it difficult for us not to talk about it ourselves. Minus the physical affection, we are basically acting really similar to how we did when we were married. It is comforting and warm, but that is soon going to get to a place where it needs a good long talk. All that has been said so far is that nothing is going to be attempted or even discussed until our son’s life is normalized. These changes have hurt him.

As for my soon-to-be ex-wife and how things are going on that front, from what I’ve learned, she has just bought herself a condo and is moving on with her life. Her mother and father are deeply ashamed of what she has done. And in their words, my stepdaughter is frequently back-talking her mom. I would like to report to you all that she is gravely suffering or is a weeping mess. But no, my soon-to-be ex-wife seems like she is off to go ruin another guy’s life.

I did, however, cross paths with Chris at a grocery store last month. He turned pale white, and I pointed him out to my brother, which I shouldn’t have done. He started following him around and shouting variations of, “Effing Prince Charming over here. Fat loser is going to eat both those Red Barons tonight before he starts texting your wife.”

Guys, I forced us to leave and we’ll be shopping elsewhere. Though I did get a good laugh out of it.

Top/relevant comments

Commenter: “Well, even if you didn’t get to drive through his living room, you got to have a little fun. Does your son ever go visit his stepsister?”

OP’s response: His mother and I arranged it so he can come along with us most of the time. They play things like Minecraft together. I feel so bad for them. At least if they were blood-related, they could stick together through this.

Commenter: “Yeah, I hear you. Hopefully spending some time with her will help him get through this crap. Good luck to all of you. Maybe you and his mom can have some type of relationship that keeps you with him more.”

OP’s response: He’s with me three days a week now, and I’m over at their house one to two times a week, so I’m almost seeing him every day. That’s the most positive thing that’s come out of this.

Commenter two: “I don’t understand—now that everything is out in the open—why she can’t get back with this Chris guy if they are soulmates. She would just find another guy and then cheat on him with Chris again. Is Chris completely broke? Is she trying to get as much as she can suck out of other guys before permanently going back to him? I just never understood what goes through their mind.”

OP’s response: I suspect she loves this human trash can, but her father hates him, so no dice. Her father is an actual ship captain—or was, rather. He’s a good guy, but what he says is law. Chris rubbed him the wrong way for some reason, and he’s not quiet about it. Chris isn’t broke. He owns a house at least, or he’s renting it. Either way, it’s in the decent part of town, so whatever it is, it isn’t cheap.

Commenter two: “Why is she still waiting for her dad’s approval? Is she expecting some kind of inheritance from him? She already ruined her relationships for this Chris guy. What was her dad’s reaction?”

OP’s response: Her father casts a shadow. He’s not abusive or anything, but he’s very much a “things run how I say they run” kind of guy. He is quite wealthy, but I don’t think that’s the reason she doesn’t want to upset him. He’s very vocal about what he doesn’t like. So, if she dated a guy he didn’t approve of, he would have never gotten over it. In one of his crazy jealous letters, Chris said something like, “She picked me because I’m safe and that she broke up with him because she had to put her toys away before Daddy came home.”

Commenter three: “Isn’t it also true that your stepdaughter and Chris don’t like each other?”

OP’s response: My stepdaughter was the main reason she gave for them not working out. She was very emotional because her parents had gotten divorced, and a few months later, this new weird guy essentially moved in. She threw a lot of fits because he was taking away time and attention from her mom. Mind you, she was only five or six. He didn’t know how to handle the situation and, I guess, became quick to anger. I got along with my stepdaughter because I decided, when first introducing myself to her, that I’d bring my son with me. That way, it wasn’t just a strange man coming over to see her mom. It was more like one of Mom’s friends and a potential friend coming over. I also made it a point to always bring her a little present or play games with her if she wanted to play board games and stuff.

Fifth update — Two weeks later

Just digging around on an old laptop and came across this gem of a conversation. I’ve changed the names, but here is basically a cut-and-paste version of how deceitful these two were.

Ex‑wife (1/20, 1:59 p.m.): “I’m not sure if I’m being paranoid, but I feel like my husband is growing suspicious. I don’t know what I should do. I’m trying to act normal, but I’m really starting to worry. I’m probably just paranoid. He’s not tracking my phone or computer or anything. He does try to look over my shoulder or take peeks at my screen, though. I don’t stop him when he does. All the times he has peeked, we weren’t talking about anything worth suspicion.”

Chris (1/20, 2:03 p.m.): “I think the best way to go about this is to not change your routine. If you get any more distant, he might catch on, but if you become too friendly, same logic applies. If you could do anything, I would say perhaps talk about the story in a completely professional way and exclude me from it when you do. So, it will seem more like a business-friendly relationship rather than an old boyfriend. But I don’t know him. I’ve met him that one time. Usually, I have the honor of sizing up the other half’s mental capacity, but I’m flying blind with this and completely trusting you. I say you remain exactly as you are. No change in routine unless you think the book suggestion works.”

Ex‑wife (1/20, 2:04 p.m.): “Okay, that’s exactly what I was thinking.”

Chris (1/20, 2:07 p.m.): “Make an off-hand remark—’Oh, he’s goddamn whining about his boyfriend again. He needs to leave the prick. Lol. I know he lives in Wisconsin. Stop whining about it. Lol.’”

Ex‑wife (1/20, 2:07 p.m.): “No, he thinks you’re still married and have a son. And you’re one of my old writing friends. That’s pretty much all I’ve said about you, aside from our fling at the end of [her ex-husband’s name].”

Chris (1/20, 2:10 p.m.): “Okay. Well, if you have to or the subject gets brought up, think of some small romantic cheesy gesture I just did for my wife and say I look like a [bleep] for it. Lol. The best way I’m not a threat is if my family and yours are somewhat relatable. The more domestic I appear, the better.”

Ex‑wife (1/20, 2:14 p.m.): “Yeah, I agree. But I don’t want to start talking about you a lot either. I haven’t in the past. Why should I now? If he asks, I’ll make up stuff on the fly.”

Chris (1/20, 2:14 p.m.): “Exactly.”

Ex‑wife (1/20, 2:14 p.m.): “I think I’ll start getting excited about the book now. That way, if I seem giddy or stressed, I can use that as an excuse.”

Chris (1/20, 2:15 p.m.): “When you do, mention my wife is doing concept art for it, and that’s one of the reasons it excites you. It is not a stretch. It establishes I am domestic and that she is well aware of my activities. And if she’s not worried, why should he be?”

Ex‑wife (1/20, 2:17 p.m.): “Yeah, I see that. Okay, I can handle this. It’s probably all in my own head anyway.”

Chris (1/20, 2:19 p.m.): “Yes, it probably is. If an accusation comes at all, just have something ready like, ‘No. Oh my God, he’s married and he’s ridiculously obsessed with his wife. He was telling me all his pet names and I almost signed off. Lol.’”

Ex‑wife (1/20, 2:19 p.m.): “Lol. Okay.”

Chris (1/20, 2:21 p.m.): “Sorry, I have a lot of ready-made plots. The Smurf is usually checking my phone. There’s nothing.”

Ex‑wife (1/20, 2:21 p.m.): “We’re not new at this.”

Chris (1/20, 2:22 p.m.): “Well, it won’t be nearly as complicated, seeing as any change in your behavior will be only momentary.”

Ex‑wife (1/20, 2:23 p.m.): “True. I think I can do this.”

Chris (1/20, 2:22 p.m.): “You’ll be fine. We’ve done it before.”

Ex‑wife (1/20, 2:22 p.m.): “No, I know I can do this.”

Chris (1/20, 2:24 p.m.): “You’ve got it.”

Ex‑wife (1/20, 2:24 p.m.): “In my obsessive-compulsive nature, it is taking like everything in me to not make a list of things to do before our adventure. Lol. I usually hide all my flaws, but no, you get to see and hear about all of them. Lol. You poor thing. You must think I’m neurotic.”

Chris (1/20, 2:28 p.m.): “I like seeing this side of you. I don’t think you’re neurotic, but the paranoia, the planning, your excitement makes me feel good that I can still excite you this much.”

Ex‑wife (1/20, 2:29 p.m.): “For your sake, I’ll let you take credit for most of that then. I’m paranoid without reason also, but you’ve most certainly elevated it to a new level.”

Sixth update — Six months later

This week, a year ago, I was sitting around trying to process my ex-wife telling me about her ex, Chris, approaching her with aspirations of writing a book based on their previous work together. It was an obvious front to further their ongoing affair, and I was so stupid not to see it.

Anyhow, I confronted her and threw her out, and she went to live with her parents, taking her stepdaughter with her. I maintained contact with my stepdaughter for quite some time and still make time for her, but she has had it worse than anyone. I guess I’ll give an update on that first.

My stepdaughter was essentially kidnapped by her biological father some time after my last update. I’ve said it before, but her father is not from my country and has citizenship from the country he came from. Every couple of years, he would take his daughter to his country to see his family, but this time he refused to send her back home. His given reason was that our mutual ex-wife was poison and he wanted his daughter away from her. In the end, he shot himself in the foot on that front because two months later, he caved to pressure from his own family and sent her back. He is not returning because he’ll most likely be arrested if he comes back to the States.

So, he removed himself as a good influence in her life and left her in the hands of someone we both consider poison. Things did not get better on my ex’s side of things. Shortly after the divorce was finalized—but before her ex-husband ran off with the child—she had begun dating a new man. I was unaware of this until my former in-laws contacted me to say that she had been hospitalized.

She and Chris, her affair partner, had, as many guessed, begun sleeping together again. From what my former mother-in-law told me, she broke it off with him again to pursue a new man. Chris took her to a Motel 6, where he sprung it on her that he was sick of being treated the way he was treated. When she tried to walk back to her car, he snapped, picked her up over his head, and slammed her down on the concrete parking lot. He attacked and drove off a good Samaritan before stomping on one of her hands and then choking her so hard she had dark purple bruises and a fractured vertebra in her neck.

Thankfully, he’s behind bars now and is facing a slew of assault charges and perhaps even attempted murder. But I’ve not followed up on the legal aspects of any of it. She is in physical therapy and recovery as she was also concussed in the assault and is pretty hazy a lot of the time.

No matter what she did to me, seeing her in this condition breaks my heart. My stepdaughter spends a lot of time with me these days, as I am trying to do what I can to help the situation. She is understandably not in the best spirits, but spending time with my son, my son’s mother, and me at least gives her a solid place to stand.

That just leaves my first wife, my son’s mother. A lot of people have expressed a desire to see us reconcile. And in many ways, we have. Neither of us is pushing the other back into a relationship, but we have discussed our past, the infidelity that separated us, and the fact that she has been forgiven by me. We are not officially back together, but it is not uncommon for us to spend the night at each other’s place. And as we speak, it has been five days since we have slept in different houses. We sleep separately as I am sure this all confuses my son, but we have been intimate regularly for over a month now. It is going nice and easy. Nobody is pushing for anything more than what we have. And for the moment, it is working out.

I could go on for many more paragraphs, but I think I’ll wrap up this update and answer questions as they come.

Top/relevant comments

Commenter: “Damn, just damn. I’ve been following your story since the beginning, and I have to admit that I’ve been hoping things would get better for you. From this update, it seems like the karma train ran completely over your ex and kept her under the wheels for a while. I’m heartened by the way you and your first wife are doing. I have to admit, I’m pulling for you two to find a good place with each other and move forward together. From all you’ve told us, it seems like she did a 180 after her ONS and has done everything she can to show you who she really is. I agree that you need to move slowly so your son won’t get his expectations up. But from the way she stepped up this last year, I can’t help but think good things are going to happen for both of you. I wish you the best with regard to your stepdaughter. I can tell from how you speak about her that you and your son love her very much and you have been the only constant support for her through this entire mess. Please keep us updated on how you are doing and good luck.”

OP’s response: I’m going to do everything I can to stay in my little girl’s life. Since my ex’s injury, my first wife has even stepped in to help with her. She’s not unfamiliar with my stepdaughter. And a few weekends a year, my first wife would take our son and my stepdaughter for the weekend, so they’re comfortable around each other.

As for her doing a 180—before the incident that led to our divorce, she and I were a happy couple, and I didn’t have a single complaint. She had been my friend since high school, where we dated off and on, then had a child together and got married. I know how bad it hurt when she did what she did, but looking at our lives as a whole, I truly feel I rushed the divorce because I was hurt. She had never done anything before that to betray my trust and nothing since. So, I think at this point, not going to a counselor or trying to work it out was a mistake on my part. None of that excuses what she did, and I still feel justified that divorce was a reasonable endgame for anyone, but I shouldn’t have given up so fast.

Commenter two: “Does your first ex-wife want to get back with you? What did she think of the divorce? She wasn’t with anyone else in the seven years. Would you go back with her? Has she tried to get back with you after the divorce?”

OP’s response: I believe she would get back with me officially if I asked her to, which I may in the very near future. Currently, we’re involved insofar as we’ve been sleeping together fairly regularly, though we’ve been keeping that to ourselves and not sharing the fact that we’ve been together again with anyone in case we don’t pursue this. She’s been on a few dates over the past several years, but has never had a serious relationship after the divorce, at least not one my son has ever met.

She tried to fix the marriage and get back together with me after she moved out of my house and continued to talk about reconciliation until I started dating my second ex. I just wasn’t open to it at the time. Would I go back to her? I don’t think I’d be against that. I still love her in most of the ways I used to, and I’m sure it wouldn’t take much for the two of us to become the couple we were before.

Editor’s note: And that was the last time OP updated his last post, and those comments date back to December 2021. So, it has been almost four years since he used Reddit on that account. Hopefully everything is going well in his life.